Strictly Come Dancing 2013


Strictly Come Dancing 2013, Week 1

Night 1 (Friday 27th September 2013)

bruce and tess 1

Bruce and Tess begin the glitz extravaganza.

Tonight no couple will be leaving. Scoring will commence and scores carried over to next week. Lowest votes = dance orf!

Of course, it is the first week and we give some consideration for that, but ultimately, there will be no excuse for a bad performance overall.

The judges are back. Craig Revel-Horwood, Darcey Bussell, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli

The fifth judge is also here as they tell us but unlike Strictly it aint the public it’s us.

Len was congratulated for being recently married. Congratulations

Ashley and Ola

Cha Cha

What Makes You Beautiful – One Direction

ashley ola 1

First out was vanilla hunk Ashley Taylor-Dawson. Self-confessed fan of the lycra, Dawson added he may be out of his depth.

The action started with a sassy shake, with spin style from Dawson. Staring at Ola’s derriere jiggling was next. It was tacky. Careless arms. Missed grab of Ola. Funky Chicken moves. Weak steps. No direction. Fair connection with partner. Very bland for first week.

Below are the scores of the judges, along with our professional score in brackets.

LG – Len begins. Leg action bit straighter. Smooth sailing or sink without trace for hopefuls.

BT – Born to be on hands and knees. Timing very good. Work on hips. First out, well done.

CRH – Good amount of rhythm hips implyable and stiff. Also nothing going on there. Footwork feral. Missed a catch. There is a good point. You’re rather easy on the eye, darling.

DB – Very confident first dance. Really impressive. Don’t look to floor (on turns) keep eye level up.

Scores – 5, 6, 7, 7 (6)

Tony and Aliona


What I’ll Do –Alison Krauss

tony aliona 1

Could Aliona look like she gives a sh*t?

Jacklin said he liked to wear bright things and stand out. “More sparkle the better” he added. He said Aliona was the “consummate professional.” Must be reading our mind. Not for Aliona though. Thank you, but she ain’t me. Patience and perseverance was needed to succeed, he felt.

Tone of music set. Tender start. Smooth arm flow through. Minor elbow awkwardness after lost in middle to remember steps. Fair recovery. Minimal movement to mask novice beginning though. However a smooth and decent performance from Jacklin.

The talented house singers were introduced with Dave Arch and his fabulous orchestra.

BT – Sentimental, romantic and soft. I didn’t see much of that. Turned into a Galapagos tortoise. You were counting. Do a mistake, follow the flow.

CRH – When you finally got in hold became the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Littered with mistake. Out of time, weren’t leading. Bit of a disaster I say.

DB – It’s terrifying. Nerves out, come back confident, competitive Tony.

LG – Spirit of this show. No dance experience coming out and having a go. Just praying to get through it. Well done.

2, 5, 5, 4 (3)

Mark and Iveta


Hernando’s Hideaway – Alma Cogan

mark iveta 1

“Come on the big men!” Benton adds as he aims to show big boys can dance akin to Lisa Riley’s shock stint last year on the show.

 Good connection. Eye contact. Leading qualities. Good footwork. Excellent music choice, but needed bit more fluidity. Strong accompaniment. Good matador steps. Good start for week one, strong prominence on stage floor. Naturally will be slow due to obvious speed impediment but needs to have a little faster in parts than just a simple stop moment.

CRH – Should be sharp, intent and purpose, that you had. However, your right thumb, darling, that bothers me. Danced it rather well.

DB – Just brilliantly played. Was little worried. Strong, masculine, in control. It was fab!

LG – Attitude, recognisable steps, frame was okay, am shocked how good that was.

BT – Love how you set up the theme, carry on thieving. So much content in there, drive throughout the foot. Keep proud Latin attitude. Great performance.

5, 6, 7, 6 (6)

Susanna and Kevin


Shake your tail feather – Blues Brothers

susanna kevin 1

Strong start for lone Susanna. Good strong turnarounds. Good gallops. Decent leg moves. Strong sass. Little dip in speed and steps during three quarters in. Strong fight with Jive bunny Kevin. Held own as strong celeb in pairing. Strong start for first week with one of Strictly most unforgiving dances if gone wrong. Huge credit to newbie Clifton, too.

DB – Really sold me your drive. Good style, try lower heel for more bounce.

LG – One of the hardest dances to do on first week. Satisfying. Fabulous.

BT – Oh yes, read all about it! This girl can shake it! Fantastic stage presence, content great. Be sharper on kicks and flicks.

CRH – Now for the cold hard truth. Extremely laboured, don’t raise shoulder so you don’t have no neck. Would never have attempted that cartwheel, went horrible wrong. Loved armography, energy and personality. Sublime.

Bruce – You’ve done the BBC proud.

6, 7, 8, 7 (7)

Sophie and Brendan


Moon River – Audrey Hepburn

 sophie brendan 1

“Pop royalty” Bextor claims chemistry isn’t easy for me.

Too long to get in hold, looking empty. Hard dance, performed well but just felt empty and full of nothingness. No character, personality or style. One arm lift swan flutter and spin from Sophie Ellis Waxtor. Needs to be much stronger. Good paring with Brendan but the Cole effect seems to ruin all dancers with choreography. Did not shine.

LG – Lifted feet off ground quite a bit. Beauty of dance was gorgeous.

BT – Sense the aura of sophistication. Mood absolutely right. Top line gotta really work. I like it.

CRH – Top line is sadly letting you down, would been absolutely beautiful if that didn’t let you down.

DB – It was beautiful, grace, beautiful.

Cut to Blue Peter mother crying in audience.

Serene and graceful. Tess Daly adds in the auditorium. Don’t nick from our dic-tionary. Makes you look well daft. Cram in any word for a “sophistication” is often laughable. Beaming Tess. “HaHa”

7, 7, 7, 7 (6)

Natalie and Artem

Cha Cha

Rasputin – Boney M

natalie artem 1

Blimey that was quick, Artem’s chicken fillets are out!

Smiley Artem guides Gumede a bit initially. Strong leg side shimmy’s from Nat. Slow stand-alone moments. Gaining bearings on live floor. Strong independence from Natalie leading a little. Artem’s smile gained a Colgate shine star cheese moment at end of dance. Oh dear. Looked more like a Paso Doble than a Cha Cha.

BT – With that attitude and lyrical arms of same time, gonna go far. More hip action.

CRH – Multitude of sins of the hip, however, so far, our front runner

DB – Not expecting that much detail in that dance.

LG – Clean, precise, style and rhythm. Craig is right, need more hip action, but fabulous, well done.

Brucie makes a quick input. “Cobblers?” he asks.

“No, Cossacks.” Bruno replies.

 “Yeah Cobblers?”

Most of you didn’t get it, did you? Cobblers. Natalie worked on Corrie, the Cobbles. Artem, being of Russian descent, Cossacks. Hopefully this is clear for  you all. Don’t worry Brucie, I got it, and that’s all you need. J

8, 8, 8, 7, (7)

Night 2 (Saturday 28th September 2013)

Ben and Kristina

Cha Cha

Love Me Again – John Newman

ben kristina 1

Keen smiley Cohen kicked off the evening.  Cheesy smile, non-impactful jump. Awkward footing. Turn and face side motion. Hapless on the floor. Boring, mid-way through looking to Kristina and steps. Stopped mid-dance and let Kristina spin herself. End with twirl around of her. Happy go lucky.

LG – Big Ben. Footwork terrific liked attitude. Get nervous you speed up. Lost your timing.

BT – You are a beefy beast aren’t you? Started very well but got a lot of bulk to move. Gonna be stiff. Loosen up a bit.

CRH – Breezy blocks, laden, out of time.

BF – Any more?

CRH – Oh a host of things, but not enough time.

DB – Upper body very impressive. Use the weight. Move it.

Naturally the gay community of body conscious beef were outraged of Craig’s scoring which was accurate. Adding “our” Ben Cohen. It’s ironic that homophobic Kristina, paired with gay rights campaigner Cohen were together in a no sense pair. From this, the gay community whose voices are not represented by Cohen, who claims to “stand up” and then does practically nothing other than prance around in pants and sell calendars with a buff body claims to be contradiction that the LGBT community wishes to be heard on. One tweet even reminisced, I can’t remember Cohen doing anything other than being in his pants, with similar responses elsewhere.

I’m sure a happy tweet for one moment will suffice for jolly Cohen’s campaign of ‘doing something’ instead.

3, 5, 6, 5 (3)

Fiona and Anton


A view to a kill – Duran Duran

Strictly Come Dancing

Apparently Anton ‘James Bond’ DuBeke, which constitutes as the same old Anton in a suit, which had zero character of Bond involved was a play along moment.

Strong concentration but decent footing. Looks awkward when trying to maintain facial character. Good dip down hold. Fair end. Decent but needs less thought more feeling to music.

BT – Like the role play. Covered well because you can act. Started very well.

CRH – Lovely to see Anton actually dancing this series. Little rough around the edges at times. Great that he has a partner that can now put one foot in front of the other.

DB – I was impressed with so much content. Composed very well. One thing lets you down is top line.

LG – Content in that was amazing. So much going on. Sharp as a lemon tart. On occasion lost it but character of dance was there.

5, 6, 7, 6 (5)

Dave and Karen

Cha Cha

Moves like Jagger – Maroon 5

Strictly Come Dancing

Loveable baker Myers explained his experience on strictly could be more “like a peacock with constipation.”

Enthusiastic Dave woo’s DJ Karen to the floor and gets some body rollin’ grooves. A while to get in hold and pushing hand motions away then a roll through leg, underneath, of Hauer. Very watered down. Taunt the judges with finger points. Loveable fellow, good party atmosphere but no real charisma, passion or dancing. Left alone to dance on his own and jumped up and down. Is that not technically a lift. These weren’t specified in the rules. Oops.

CRH – Terrifying. I actually recoiled in horror. Overwhelming feeling of revolution. Stop counting.

DB – Strangely in love, I really am.

LG – Bit more stagger than Jagger. Liked your commitment. You’re entertaining.

BT – Most insanely hilarious mess ever. Can’t wait to see what you’re gonna do next.

2, 5, 5, 4 (2)

Rachel and Pasha


When I Need You – Luther Vandross

Strictly Come Dancing

Slow and easy start to fold into the Strictly experience. Looks tender but boring. Needs some oomph than playing it safe alone. Trying to drive character across. Good partnership but very slow.

DB – What you need for Waltz is to glide. On change of directions you lose your core. Very beautiful.

LG – You’re pretty and thought dance was. Tad on the careful side. Get you through a three or four weeks, but won’t win. Give it some wellie girl.

BT – Graceful quality. Sounds like an air freshener commercial. All elements are there. Go with the flow. Extend your lines.

CRH – Let your vision flow a bit. Beautiful flow, gorgeous rise and fall and full of elegance.

6, 7, 7, 7 (6)

Julien and Janette

Cha Cha

Vogue – Madonna

julien janette 1

Macdonald opened with a party starter. Setting the mood he began. Good tree arms. Good presence. Enjoying and good hold start. Good leg movement to Jeanette. Voguing it up. Good arms and enthusiasm working the floor. Carry backward of pro decent. Enjoying the shimmy flow. MacDonald shockingly pleases. Tad slow in parts, but for first week was a surprise enjoyment and could potentially get better if worked on more.

LG – Needs more straightness in legs. Fun to watch.

BT – Madonna! (Bruno Vogues) You can’t be mental all the time, trust me I know.

CRH – You certainly did it but not very well. Hideously flat footed.

DB – Better come back with the same joy.

3, 5, 6, 6 (5)

Deborah and Robin


Money Money Money – ABBA

deborah robin 1

Gent Robin rises Dragon Deborah from Den. In hold twirls decent. Good feet spin round, Keeping up with Robin consistently. Fair kicks from Meaden. Shoves Robin off her chair. More carried than individual but was a good technical beginning.

BT – Very good pitch. You just messed it up in the middle. Beginning good, got into a mess, hanging on to him.

CRH – Lagging behind mostly. Thumb in his armpit and facing the floor, Otherwise surprised,.

DB – Great attack. Pull out of your waist. Very impressed.

LG – Like your attitude. Did mess up a couple of times. Lift your diaphragm a little bit more, but nice, I enjoyed it.

6, 6, 6, 6 (6)

Patrick and Anya


Runaway Baby – Bruno Mars

Strictly Come Dancing

Another new girl Anya Garnis takes hold of Patrick now. Patrick’s knees may cause a problem overall. Let’s just hope he don’t pop ‘n’ lock it.

Good groove start. Strong kicks low down. Decent arm raises diagonally. Concentration on move. Leather jacket off. Reels Anya along. Strong connection in hold but not coming across strong enough out of hold. Good spirituous style.

CRH – Rhythm and energy absolutely fan-tastic. You just need to sort your flat feet out dar-h-ling. Get on to your balls!

DB – The jive is a very hard dance. You have a great fitness level. On kicks, you get flappy feet. Stretch them.

LG – That jive was alive. What it lacked in technique made up for in enthusiasm, energy and attack.

BT – I love somebody who goes for it. Just work on the refinement in the detail, but great debut.

7, 7, 7, 7 (7)

Vanessa and James

Cha Cha

That don’t impress me much – Shania Twain

Strictly Come Dancing

Throw away flowers. Slow on floor. Walks Vanessa down aisle. Flimsy arms and minor steps. Slow carousel James rips open shirt. Well, if all else fails. Comedy routine in middle rather tepid. I know James has his work cut out for him, but it should have been better than that Vanessa.  Loosen up and seem to feel the music, look less serious but contain a serious idea of dancing to go further. Not everything needs to be comedic to hide inaccuracies.

james jordan shirt rip

DB – Cha Cha is bright and cheeky dance. I did miss this. Ballroom you will love it, especially in the arms of your man James.

LG – Got through it not your natural comfort zone.

BT – Lost the Va-Va-nessa. Body has to express same way as your voice does.

[Brendan’s ignorance vividly on show.]

CRH – Too much acting, not enough dancing.

3, 5, 6, 5 (3)

Tess – “Are we saving the best for last?”


Abbey and Aljaz


Kissing You – Des’ree

Strictly Come Dancing 2013

Pronounced Ally-ash. Ab’s proclaimed she was just like the rest of us “Pickin’ up Pete’s dirty undies.”

In training charming Aljaz was baffled when Abbey compared her dancing to “a sack a spuds!” “Sack of what? What’s spuds?” her partner asked. Bless.

Meet and greet into corner spin around, steps to middle. Floaty effervescence. Extremely soft presentation with elegance in abundance. Telling strong narrative. Powerful transcript. Grace of a true professional here. Interested to see more. Resplendent. Strong partnership.

LG – Dance of the night, Well done.

BT – Dreamy, deeply felt. Romantic, great chemistry. Movement wonderful. Incredible debut on Strictly.

CRH – Had a hunch about you two. Gor-ghus!

BD- Very romantic Waltz. Beautiful lines.


Tess – How’s your Strictly experience?

Aljaz – Wonderful up to now, very proud of Abbey, wanna keep going.

8, 8, 8, 8 (8)

Who shone and who stank?

Aljaz and Abbey stole the show. Julien MacDonald’s number is a guilty pleasure you could watch on repeat. Susanna and Mark have both been surprises unexpected for a greater time on Strictly if worked harder at.

Brendan Cole’s failure to take or give direction along with Aliona’s mirrored ignorance is shameful. Strictly can fire the pair of them next series. They are not needed. Ben Cohen’s sympathy vote and dire dance was not appealing, even if he dances in his pants. Ashley and Ola did not strike a strong cord, which questions, are the hot hunks of 2013 a waste of colossal Strictly time?

grotty snotty brendan

Overall SCD’s beginning shows the mild characters of lower par may be the ones to really shine and rebuff the so called glamour hunks and hunkesses. The lower pecking order are the ones to watch for in this 2013 series of sequins, shimmy’s and spats.

Well, this evening cross a lot of daubs of our 2013 Strictly Bingo Card. We’ll have them uploaded for you later this week. Come back next week for more sequin frolics and mayhem and take our poll below on who you thought fabulous this weekend!

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