X Factor UK 2013 Results: Week 1

Ellie Goulding and Cher give some performances for tonight’s results. The results came in.

cher 1

First act through in no particular order – Kingsland Road. Joining are – Abi, Sam Callahan, Sam Bailey, Miss Dynamix, Hannah, Nicholas, Tamera, Rough Copy. 1 more is certain of a place. Last place goes to – Luke.

Mrs. O has done a great job in her comeback. It’s Over Vs Over. Excellent re-hire Mr. C. (Cowell)

One tweeter wrote “I wonder if Sharon will vote this time or strop off like the last time she had two acts in the bottom two!”

Shelley Smith

One Night Only – Jennifer Hudson

Shockingly does a very good performance and belter. But, she’s fat, erm, a big girl with talent and not popular with the kids screaming for teen boys over-sexualised by the show. You do the math.

Sharon looks down for her own contestant’s name on piece of paper in front of her on the desk to introduce Lorna. So drunk, the second evening in a row, she cannot remember her name. Anyone else would be sacked.

Lorna Simpson

There You’ll Be – Faith Hill

 

Weak. Defeatist. Teary.

Judges Vote

judges

Shaz is now seen after being strategically told to drink a cup of tea.

Dermot went to Sharon first. Mrs. O calmly and arrogantly left her acts in the lurch once more by choosing to abstain. “No Vote.” Dermot quickly moved on after the disgrace of a judging role to vote, where ITV didn’t bother pressing Osbourne for a vote. Abstainations are not allowed, despite X Factor being too moronic to figure out what to do on a live show that goes completely wrong everytime.

After a sneaky glance and word from Shaz, who didn’t vote, Louis chose his selection. “It’s a tough vote. Sending home Lorna.”

Gary decided to even the field. “What a fantastic sing off. Shelley – if you sang like that last night you wouldn’t be here. Lorna – you got an amazing voice. Sending home – Shelley.

Decision maker Nicole sealed the fate. “That was unbelievable. Shelley, more to see from you so the act I’m sending home is Lorna.”

Lorna Simpson leaves the competition as numerous outraged fans screamed of a “Fix Factor” instead. This year no deadlock will occur so if a tie the lowest public votes leave the show. Because Louis Walsh can never make a good decision.

lorna shaz 1

Lorna a goner. Simpson leaves the X Factor contest.

Xtra F*ckta!

Over on ITV2…

flack rich 1

Ring the Alarm… Sex sirens Flack and Richardson

The calamity continued. Sharon told her recently leaving contestant Lorna to “go to the jungle. Go to Big Brother. All you have to do is sit there and do nothing.” Sharon decded not to vote and drink “tea” all night. Host Caroline Flack asked Shaz “Is that tea in there?”

“No, but that’s how I get away with it” Obourne admitted on live television.

Over personal Nicole said she saved Shelley because “I have a connection with Shelley.

Daughter to Osbourne Kelly was interviewed, briefly, in the audience. She said they were “Having fun.” Sharon recently re-opened the feud with Lady Gaga in a national kiss and tell rag on Sunday jumping in on her daughter’s losing fight with Gaga. She also predictably attacked former judge Dannii Minogue with numerous lies, including hinting at Minogue ‘stealing’ a handbag Sharon bought her for her birthday.

Moving away from disaster that is Osbourne. Xtra Factor launched a new one. Weedy plank and new unknown host Matt something revealed the “sex alarm” had gone off.

To add to this disgraceful over-sexualisation and debauchery Matt revealed his WINKI an acronym meaning World Internet Navigation Keyboard Interface. (More like BLLX) He then changed it to Matt’s Interactive News Generating Exhibit (MINGE) and then Browser Utility Monitor (BUM)in some ingenious choices to make interesting entertainment.

sharon tea

Tea tree oil.

Other debauchery uttered included “I’ll go through your keyhole “ to maneater Flack. Dermot was instantly appalled shouting “Oh come on?!” Matt then crossdressed in a headband and lipstick for no apparent reason.  Oh hang on, it was a guess the contestant moment. He was mimicking Abi.

Sex pest Matt then shockingly said “Love listening to your sound while being rubbed up and down by a masseuse” to Abi’s performance. Abi is 19.

Sex on the beach and twerking were also mentioned and conducted. He then blew kisses to Kingsload Road, ages 19, 19, 20, 22 and 25.

matt rich 1

Then following with “Let’s see what’s going on on my bum.”

The debauchery soon ended as leaving contestant Lorna Simpson was asked of her time on the show. She added “I just want to get out of these hideous clothes. Its not me!”

"Hideous"

“Hideous”

IMAGES

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