Dear Deandre #7

He hoards ex’s sexy gear

I knew my boyfriend was a hoarder but I was shocked to discover a wardrobe full of sexy outfits worn by his ex-girlfriend. I’m 36 and my boyfriend is 39. We’ve been together two years. When I helped him move his things from one room to another while we were decorating I came across a wardrobe full of sexy outfits worn by his ex. They were together for 15 years. He admits she left him; otherwise he’d still be with her. I feel insecure about him keeping this stuff. What can I do?

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Your problems here are mostly to do with your own low self-esteem in terms of these outfits. It seems you feel thrown by such outfits because they aren’t something you would be prepared to wear giving a choice on your own influence. Added with the long relationship and fact his ex-wore these has made you feel inadequate. Drop subtle questions in your relationship to find out answers to questions you have in the relationship unrelated to the clothes initially. Ask about instances that you want from the pair of you ad decide if this is a relationship you see a future with. Is it because he may ask you to wear them or the fact you can never compare for not wearing them? Communication about your partnership will strengthen your answers of what you really want from this relationship.

Thug who bullied me for being gay has boyfriend

I was surprised a guy who bullied me at school for being gay sent a friend request to me on Facebook. I am a 25 year old gay man and I accepted his request. I was amazed to see he has a boyfriend now. He says he is enjoying his life. I find it incredible that someone who treated me so poorly for years for liking guys has found he is into the same thing, whereas I’ve never felt able to come out and haven’t had a partner.

gay couple

Many young children at school who bully people as part of a crowd culture to be popular are often in some respects gay and struggling to deal with their sexuality. Seeing the levels of abuse to you by others, he doesn’t wish for them to turn on him instead. Now, he clearly feels bad about treating you this way and hopes to make it up by being friends. But in your mind, it is disgraceful to treat someone such a way and then simply act as nothing happened. The feeling he put you down so much to send you into a segregated way of being missing out on relationships and communication due to abuse makes you resent him. If you want to be fuller friends then try looking past the old days of school ways. If you feel you can’t then that is not surprising and cut all ties of communication to focus your life your way. Try to look for your own future and meeting others socially or try to make friends in the communities around you on or offline.

Awkward trouser rockets ruining sex life

I get embarrassing erections at the wrong times and none when I want one. I’m 24. I used Viagra every night on holiday, last summer. Now the slightest thing can set it off but in bed I can’t rise to the occasion. My girlfriend thinks I don’t fancy her and accuses me of cheating.

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Explain to her why you felt the need to and that you did use Viagra. Sometimes a man can get awkward erections of the slightest random time and doesn’t mean you’re attracted to anything around you but testosterone and setting can react in certain cases. Obviously, Viagra has not helped the situation with your levels of mass consumption. Try to reduce the intake if you are still reliant and if it continues you may need to see a GP. Talk to your girlfriend and try to encourage foreplay, scenarios and certain things that often get you aroused sexually.

Kinky request frightens me

I’ve met a wonderful man and we’re planning to get engaged -however, he asked me to have sex with someone else. I’m a widow of 39 and he’s a 47 year old widow. He’s kind, caring and generous and we are very much in love and committed to a long term relationship. H asked me to have sex with another man so I could “learn new things.” Last night he said he’d found the right man, then suddenly broke down and cried. He kept saying sorry and hated himself. Now he’s asked me to forget all about it but I’m not sure I can.

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Losing someone so close to him has made him, alongside his age; consider looking for more in his life and sexual experiences. He may be assuming you may be inclined to do so because of bearing similarities in circumstance. If you are uncomfortable then you should not do what you do not wish to. Speak to him and say why you do not wish to or may consider. Perhaps you want to know why he is intrigued by this. It seems he wants to freshen your relationships and some men enjoy seeing a young stud (or older) enjoying his female friend, done in a fairly caring manner, in his mind.  This may be a way to try and move on from being alone and a mechanism to deal with his grief of losing his partner. Offer him support and see if you can help him through his grief. If not, then try to suggest referring other options to him who can.

Misses did the business with stranger after work

My wife had a one night stand at our annual works conference. I could maybe forgive and forget if she had been drunk but I know that she was sober. I’m 39 and she’s 36. We’ve worked for the same trade association for years and the annual conference is a big event on our calendar. Now we have kids, we take it in turns to stay overnight while the other drives home to relive the babysitter. Last month, when the conference was done, it was down to the bar for all the delegates. As I was leaving I saw my wife being chatted up by an impossibly good looking and charming young man at least ten years younger than her. She told me the guy had spent the night with her in her hotel room. She doesn’t drink. She said it was lust and the thrill of doing something wrong. Our sex life has always been good but she said this guy was brilliant in bed. She wants to move on and not make a big deal about a one night stand but it isn’t as easy as that.

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Would being drunk be any better? This does not justify infidelity. The thrill may be there to misbehave but this is an excuse for the fact she wanted to cheat because she enjoyed some attention from an outside influence and chose not to stop it at simply flirting. She has taken you and the comfortability of routine for granted. It seems her “brilliant in bed” comment is to keep you hanging on after forgiveness and clearly the sex wasn’t great but different from what you two have in a routine with children. You may need to find more time with each other, despite work and child commitments as this can cause your relationship to suffer, even though you have sex, this is routine and hence, her problem for him being “better.” He challenged your routine. Many people want to break a cycle of the rut they are drifted into by society today. Tell her how she made you feel and your trust issues are shaken and talk about where to go from this next.

Why do I go for a gay guy?

I’m a girl of 19 and, since I broke up with my only boyfriend two years ago, I’ve only felt attracted to gay men. I split from my boyfriend because I realised I didn’t love him but I haven’t felt drawn to a straight man since – just gay guys.

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The comfortability, free talking and sharing of mutual respect is what you are infatuated with here. The ability to laugh, be free and enjoy strong caring company built on compassion draws you to them that you fully lack from straight men. You are worried about relationships, however, at 19, it is somewhat strange you feel this way at a time of growing up. This is a phase which you will grow out from but it seems you are purposely throwing all your attentions into trying to turn a gay man into your lover. Nothing good can come from this except more hurt on your part to yourself because he won’t reciprocate afterward. Your feeling this way because you feel there is no one out there for you, but you haven’t looked hard enough and are extremely young. Don’t try to see it as a challenge to get a gay man and try to focus on living daily life with other interests like music or a hobby. Because you are looking for a guy for attention that a gay man gives you, you are questioning why you cannot get this from straight men. You have a long life to live. Enjoy your time as you are and you will eventually meet someone for you.

Help! I’m too big for her

I’m so big in the trouser department that it’s preventing me having sex with my girlfriend. I have been with my girlfriend for two months. She’s is 29 and I’m 32. She’s told me that she’s had some problems with painful sex before. I knew I was big but it was impossible when I tried to have sex with her. We’d had lots of foreplay but even so it was still hopeless. I’m worried that, without a healthy sex life, our relationship is doomed.

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For females the sight of a large penis is often a fantasy and a thrill, but then realising the pain attached with it when trying to please is actually a different story. Sometimes the most sensual parts of the body, including genitalia, can freeze, close or naturally react to pressure in an oppressive manner. Make sure you use more than usual with lubrication. Try to relax your girlfriend as much as possible and being anxious can also have a mental effect. She may be willing to do so but her body says another. Try different positions that are adequate for easier practice to have intercourse. As you say, continue with foreplay and make the practice seem natural than waiting for the big moment, pardon the pun. Take time and maintain intimacy with the pair of you showing you care about her during the process to help relax the body.

Girlfriend dumped me for Mr. Potato Head ex

I am a male model yet my girlfriend cheated on me with an ex who looks like a potato. I’m 29, she’s 24. He cheated on her before we met and got two other women pregnant. I treated her like a princess, our sex-life was brilliant and we had a real laugh together. She’s added her ex as a friend on Facebook and removed me. This guy is a loser – and ugly.

Hot Potato

Hot Potato

She may have felt that it wasn’t going to get any better in levels of maturity with you and decided to revert to old ways, as we often do, because your attitude to people is somewhat disparaging. It seems you have a strong lack of respect and communication for others in a vain context, which women often pick up on. This can often draw them to someone else. Her ex was an available option with a clear history, regardless how bad it may be.  You seem to be too full of your own behaviour as excusive and yet while you aren’t doing what this ex is there are strong similarities in character where you resemble the levels of abuse towards others, only with your judgments instead of action as her ex does. You should try to focus yourself on being a better person and not judge others too quickly because you look good on a poster. This is your downfall and has led to her leaving you.

I bedded 3 men in a month at Uni

I started University as a virgin last month but I’ve had sex with three different guys already. I’m a 19 year old girl. I did have a boyfriend when I was living with parents but they are very strict and religious. They frown on sex before marriage. I went to the student bar on my first night and got very drunk. I ended up going back to one guy’s room and having sex with him. He would come into my room later at night. We had actually started having sex when I realised it was another guy I didn’t know. All the guys thought it was very funny later. I’m now seeing a mature student of 30. He said we should have lots of sex. I’ve gone from not having sex to doing it just for fun and I’m totally confused.

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Your religious lifestyle has confined you to taking a backward approach to sex. Because you have been told no with no understanding and education or knowledge, you have had to find your own way. Your own navigation has cost you your virginity because of this way of isolation. You probably should have waited for a more loving encounter with a guy, but you cannot take this back now. Try to live daily without thinking about sex and boys as your main focus for activity in Uni life but if someone comes along that you like you can involve yourself appropriately. Make sure you use a condom and be a little more careful who you chose to sleep with so willfully. Wrapped up in cotton wool. One thing is clear. You are enjoying the carefree sex and are using such language to blame the men as taking advantage of you however you are as much enjoying this as them and must start being honest with yourself rather than blaming others. You are also getting a reputation around the campus as the local free for all. Only you can be responsible for the sex you give away. Being in a relationship so soon with a thirty year old and to “gain more experience” is disgusting as he is using you. Stop dating him as he is taking advantage of you, here.

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