Dear Deandre #8
After a busy time and short hibernation, Dear Deandre is back to answer your puzzling predicaments. Dilemma’s come from newspaper problems, though the advice is purely ours and ours alone.
If you have an issue you’d like solved, please get in touch through email, or below in the comments if you like. You can also follow us on Twitter below.
Noisy sex next door
“My neighbours noisy sex wakes me up in the early hours. It’s horrific. I’m a 39 year old single mum and have a daughter who is four. The noise is louder in her room but luckily she sleeps through it. I’m really starting to resent them. Do you think I should have a quiet word with them?”
It can be a difficult situation and they may be unaware that it is causing you such distress. If you feel these people are approachable then you could have a word. Usually a brief and informal chat with easy discussion is the best remedy. Explain that you understand the need for such activities and highlight your daughter is next door. You could try Kalms, or other sleeping tablet remedies, but of course, you will ask why should you. But do not wade in with such aggression as if you seem someone unable to have a smooth conversation it could turn into upset. Take this all in light tone and conversation and be prepared to accept their points of view also.
Idle boyfriend has no get-up and go
“My boyfriend has no steady job nor even a bed of his own – he sleeps on a camp bed on his parent’s landing. I’m 23 and have a good job and a nice car. He is 24 and I love him but we’ve been together three years and I feel it’s time to take things more seriously, like having a baby. When I talk about it he just laughs and doesn’t take it seriously.”
Some families are stuck in levels of poverty even if it does not seem apparent. The market at getting a job today is very difficult and in short supply. Applicants and skill sets are vast meaning it can be virtually impossible for many to gain a job despite efforts made. Over time this can also demoralise and cause slumps. Try motivating him with encouraging conversations and maybe help him realise his potential at some specific he may like or even if it is at a cash register. Gradually, with support he may be able to regain some stride. It is highly likely he has no one to count on and feels down as a result. His lack of talking about the issue of a child is either down to being unable to provide, or simply he does not want fatherhood upon him. He may feel he has not lived at such a young age and wouldn’t want such commitment he can’t donate his time to.
“I’m not happy with my girlfriend any more – but can’t dump her because our families are so close and I’m her brother’s best man in June. I’m 23 and she’s 21. We’ve been together two years but the fun has gone. She makes me say “I love you.”
As much as you find this difficult you need to outline how you feel. If you do not love her then telling her so is wrong and will only get her hopes up. Eventually when you do go elsewhere, by way of break up or affair, which is inevitable, she will be distraught because you did not stand up and explain yourself. The longer you live this lie the more it will eat into your confidence and ability to be yourself and enjoy things. The longer it is left the linger the problem grows with pain. Her brother could find a new best man and would be upset in the long run if you were should he look back on his memories realising you weren’t into it if you break up. Act quick and try to talk honestly as soothing as you can.
Mates sneer at transexual love
“I’m in love with a girl who used to be a man. So am I gay? I’m 22 and have fallen for a post-op transsexual. She’s 24. My mum say’s shes a girl but my mates say I’m gay and are laughing at me.”
No this does not make you gay. You are simply someone who is more open and able to try new things. The reason your mates laugh at you is because they know it gets to you and like to wind you up. Knowing it plays on your insecurities also highlights the fact that they are not your mates. Try finding others or express to them that you don’t care what they say. The reason they point and laugh at you is because they lack relationship connectivity in their own relationships in general. Does the approval of other people dictate your choices in love? If so, then you are going to find it tough and loose a lot of chances at happiness.
Is my Girl mentally unwell?
“I think my daughter is mentally ill and I’m worried sick as her mother jumped off a bridge years ago. She survived and got treatment but my daughter might not be so lucky. She is 24, married, but has give up her job. She does strange things, talks to herself and has become abusive to her husband. I phoned her GP but the receptionist said she has to make an appointment herself and won’t.”
As a consenting adult this is her choice, despite your best intentions. If you force her to do this then she could resent you forever and sometimes this will never be forgiven. The only way you can deal with this is to discuss with her your concerns about her job and previous experiences that may have shaped her path today.If she refuses the GP appointment, which some can see as an admission of problems that many cannot accept, consider asking her if she would go to counselling with you. It is not the most ideal situation, but might be a starting point left for you both. Tell her you love her and why you feel you need to talk about it. Also explain that you need it as much as her. Depression and mental illness can often be heredity. Unfortunately, do not expect any support from the government with benefits as they will viciously throw her off at any opportunity they can get.
Birth of son ended my sex life
“Since I had my son eight months ago I really can’t be bothered having sex any more. I’m 28 and my partner is 26. I’d read about sex drive disappearing after having a baby but thought mine would return. It hasn’t. Will I ever want sex again?”
Your libido is always there but needs awakening. You need to find something that sexually stimulates you. This could be setting, location, the smell of outdoors or anything you might enjoy. The difficulty of having a baby and caring for them who require constant care often causes this to take a hit. Exhaustion and trying to get on with a daily routine with your son is now your natural priority. If you can maybe ask for some help to babysit and look for a night out if you have friends available. If not, or you don’t wish for this, making time for yourself whatever you do is the most needed. Over time this can slowly but surely move you closer to feeling better about things. You could look at sexual content or read on sexual health or details to gradually re-integrate you to a sexual frame of mind to discover your stimuluses again.
Porn mad hubby’s ruining baby plan
“My husband never wants sex with me. He satisfies himself masturbating to porn – but we want to start a family and it’s never going to happen like this. We are both 27 and get on well but I’m always the one to initiate sex. I have a high sex drive. He claims he can’t stop. I’ve told him I wouldn’t mind watching porn together but he never asks me to. We’re trying for a family and I’ll never get pregnant like this.”
The issue here does not seem to be your husband’s porn habit but more your selfish desire to have a child. There is nothing wrong with motherhood but if you got married for this intention alone you should not have assumed your husband is as keen as you. He may not be interested in having a child and this could put him off sex, seen more as a chore or trap than fun and responsible sex. Such stress can cause lack of communication to one area and is often substituted to another that offers difference instead. You will have to talk to your husband about childhood at some point. I would suggest now, so you know where you stand. If he does not want this you cannot force it onto him. As for sex outline your desires and tell him he needs to take a more forthcoming approach to pleasing you as much as you want to for him.
Freaking out over sex with girl’s sis
“My girlfriend has suggested a threesome with her sister – but she doesn’t know we already had sex. I’m 22 and have been seeing my girlfriend for two years. She’s 21. We love each other very much and want to be together forever. Sex is brilliant and we agreed we didn’t ever want it to get stale. We have talked about a threesome for years. She said she would ask her 23 year old sister. She said she wouldn’t feel threatened by her.”
This is the problem with such sex like this. Eventually when an offer of a dream fantasy becomes the reality it can all go wrong. If you have this threesome, which your girl clearly wants, she will discover the connection between you and her sister between the sheets and likely figure out your are closer than anticipated. You have some options. You could tell her and face the consequences. Do the threesome and risk being caught. Don’t do it and continue to live your lie. Obviously the last two are immoral. This is of course, your choice. If you tell your girlfriend you can explain why your sex life has clearly taken a dip. There will be a point in every man’s life when they are faced with a tough decision to be honest. I believe this is your time because if you don’t you will continue to lead problematic relationships and never be fully satisfied. Sex with a sibling can be dangerous. Unless entirely committed and not swayed, it should be avoided wherever possible, no matter how appealing.
Misery of life at work
“I hate being at work. Older guys there are always asking me about girlfriends and what I’m going to do with them. I’m 20 and having a tough time in my job. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong, just because I have only been there a few months. I don’t have a girlfriend but but they still ask what I have done sexually and they check out all my girl mates on Facebook. Everytime they find out that I am meeting a girl, they ask whether we are going to do stuff together. I m fed up with it. I wake up dreading the thought of going to work.”
When work become a pain that you wish not to be there any longer there is a huge problem that must be addressed. The fact these men are asking you such impersonal questions not once but many times is non of their business and you may need to explain this to them. This may be difficult for you. These people are using you to score sex and use office politics against you. These men are clearly perverted and using these girls and you to gain some gratification in their fantasies they failed to live. I would advise asking politely to stop asking these questions as your personal life is not working chatter. You can also tell them that it could get them in trouble for checking out these girls, obviously much younger then them. If this fails and problems continue you should take this to management and explain the sexual content, Facebook hounding and abuse at work. This is a form of harassment and explain you are disliking your job as a result which is interfering with your personal life in working hours, which is not in your contract.
Undervalued by family love for sister
“My parents keep saying how clever my sister is and how well she’s doing, then ask me why I can’t be more like her. I’m 17 and I’m fed up of being compared with her all the time. She’s 19 and at University. They think that it is the only way to succeed. Mum and Dad keep saying how my sister will earn a fortune when she has graduated and have a wonderful life – and I won’t. I know I should ignore their comments but they diss everything I do and it hurts.”
It is a shame that this happens in families but is more common than you would think. The illusion that University guarantees success isn’t always apparent, especially with the lack of job availability today. Degrees do increase the opportunities but not the determinant. Companies are learning to adopt the non graduate these days because they have more common sense int he workplace than those boosting of high class education. The second of a families children is always the most clever and productive so don’t allow anyone to make you feel any less that great that you agree. The only advice I can truly give you is to try to get a job that pays well or even generally and earn as much money you can to save up and move out. your parents do not value you and chances are they never will. Seeking their approval for years which will never come will only put you back further. Aim high to get an independent future now and save. If they hurt your feelings maybe try listening to music to pass or help if it does and rise above. Work to a higher goal so you can eventually get away from this explosive abuseful situation.
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