Dear Deandre… #9
Dear Deandre is back to deal with any of your problems you have that need dealing with. No subject is too taboo and advice is given to help with your troubling issues in a clear and constructive way. If you have any issues or problems you would like dealing with, please contact us or leave a comment below.
My boyfriend’s too nice to dominate me in bed
“I want to be dominated sexually but my boyfriend is too nice to do it. I’m 22 and I’ve only felt like this since I was raped two months ago. I had broken up with my boyfriend and went out drinking with my mates. I got very drunk and lost my friends. I noticed a good looking guy watching me. We got talking and he asked where I live. I told him and he said we could share a taxi. He seemed genuine. He directed the taxi to his house, nowhere near mine. He undressed me and demanded sexual things of me. I told him I was too drunk and he called me a slut. I asked him to stop but he raped me and wouldn’t call a taxi till the next morning. I got back together with my boyfriend last month. He’s 25, knows everything, is supportive but is not satisfying me in bed. I now crave the feeling of being dominated.”
We are very sorry to hear of what has happened to you. This however is a sexual assault and I would honestly advise you to contact the police. I would also suggest counselling, seeing as you feel sexually drawn to dominance since this attack. You may be someone who enjoys dominance or not but it is clear you should talk to someone to figure out how you felt before the attack and then you can decide if you wish to be dominant in bed. Maybe you had these thoughts in the mind and this attack has drawn them out but the wires are crossed and in court this could be used against you as ‘asking for it’ instead. The act itself could return all the feelings of the assault and be painful reminders you can then never erase forever once doing dominant sex. I would advise against doing this sexual act until you have decided how you really feel from the trauma you have suffered. If you do not contact police then I would suggest you see your doctor as the next point of call. You cannot make your male partner do whatever he feels uncomfortable to do and maybe caring for you so much means he does not wish pain upon you.
The other guy took unprecedented abuse of you in the most disgraceful way. He could do this again and I really do suggest you talk to someone. This is clearly toying with your emotions.
Son, 8, kissed his pal
“I found pictures on my eight year old son’s iPod of him kissing another boy and they’ve taken pictures of each other’s gentials. I’m a single mum of 37. I tried to chat to him about it but he won’t talk. He admitted he likes boys and I said that’s fine but that kind of photo is wrong. I said a nasty adult may see the photos and try to persuade him to do more. I haven’t told the other boys’ mum. I’m struggling to say the right things.”
It is clear that the two are experimenting and trying to undestand their sexuality. You should explain that these photo images are wrong as you say you have but in a better context. If you say the words ‘wrong’ then this will make them feel distant from you. Explain that pictures of one another is not something children of his age should do and speak in a calm and non judgmental attitude. The key is he must listen to you, understand what is said and its implications. If the hint of a parental overbear comes into the conversation you risk losing all communication in future. It is good that you have spoken to him and have a good relationship. Your point about wrongful adults is good, but its clear that you yourself are a little uneducated about this in full with language. Tell him that he shouldn’t do this and these pictures in time could be upsetting to others. It could also be seen by people who should not see them. Explain they are called private parts and explain they must be kept to a private level with selected people like himself, you and the other child in question. This may be difficult for an 8 year old to understand, but with such evidence on hand, you cannot ignore it and hope it disappears. This will take time, so after the talk continue to live daily life better, ask about his day and remain close to him at breakfast, dinner etc and share communal time together. Always keep an eye on the situation, but do not make it seem like this is a snooping focus.
Huge Manhood hurts during intercourse
“My girlfriend was shocked when she first saw my manhood. Most men would kill to have one as big as mine but it’s frustrating. I’m 22, she’s 19. We were best friends for years before we fell in love. Everything is perfect except for our sex life. She’s tiny and when we have sex we have to stop because it hurts her too much.”
Once men get over the fact that they need a huge whopper to please a girl, they need to realise it can be more harmful to them. Having such a huge manhood can often rupture or be extreme and make sex distressing and not in the pleasurable sense. When you try you must make sure you have plenty of lubricant. You must also arouse and stimulate your girlfriend’s erogenous zones to loosen tension. When people are relaxed and in a comfortable environment sex can be more pleasurable. Try finding different and more accommodating positions as well as new techniques she could perform on you. Hopefully this can engage more connection between you for less worry when beginning penetration. Loving sex needs to be comfortable than stressful.
Don’t fancy mine much
“I lust after other women but can’t get aroused with my wife, because I just don’t fancy her. I’m 29 and she’s 30. My previous girlfriend was beautiful and I was always up for sex with her. She dumped me without warning and I was devastated. I met my wife soon after and she helped me pick up the pieces.”
There is something here which is workable. But you have to be prepared to make this work and try to reconnect. You and her need to discuss, make time and try being more sexual with one another. If this fails then cheating on your wife, or urging to go elsewhere could become highly problematic for you all. It seems that you chose this woman after your break up as a rebound. You got with her because she showed you enough compassion to help you through your devastation. It may be now that the attraction between you is more friendly than loving. Be honest with yourself. Did you choose her because she was there and didnt want to be alone? Is your lust for beautiful women like your previous girlfriend, all you know? Because you haven’t fully gotten over the break up and your new wife turned up, you haven’t had the time to pass away from the image of your ex and now you see her in others. You need her presence in other women to finish your unfinished business from the previous relationship. Try going on dates with your wife again, to erase your memory with the ex and build a relationship you remember with your current wife.
We’re so fed up with bossy boots
“I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my girlfriend’s dad but his new partner has made things worse. I’m 20 and my girl’s 19. She lives with her dad and our baby son. We’re saving for a place of our own but it’s taking ages. She tells us what we should eat and how we should dress.”
There are often cases when a new partner wishes to maintain control of their relationship that they neglect who has the power, if you will and attempt to unsettle it. In this case your girlfriend is naturally her father’s key importance. Feeling a threatened woman, she needs to prove herself as in control of something, and for her it means distancing you and you girlfriend. Your girlfriend needs to have a word with your father about the situation and address her concerns. You may only get one chance to make him listen and explain about the future you don’t have with moving out and the need to provide stability for your child. Explain that she is becoming a problem and doesn’t have any right to do so and the more this happens the more distant you’ll become as a family. Tell him you have no issue with the need for a relationship, but his partner must understand she cannot put her values onto you with dress sense and other decisions.
Sent on guilt trip by mum
“I want to go travelling with my girlfriend, but her mum makes her feel so guilty about leaving that I don’t think she’ll come. I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 26. We’ve just got back from a year travelling in America and Canada. We’ve both got the travel bug and are planning our next trip to Australia. I think her mum knows how to make my girlfriend feel sorry for her but she’s stopping her from living her dreams.”
Some people who do not get to live their lives in full or fulfilment often resent or feel upset about others close to them leaving them behind. They are not necessarily jealous of you, but feel alone and perhaps you can all do more things together when you are back at home. This will make her feel more connected to you all as a family and see that you are trying to have a great life of adventure. Some feel others are taking their close ones away from them. This is not the case but they often need something to confirm otherwise. See if you can make plans for some more family time. Explain to your girlfriend that you are only young once and that you want to do what you can, but also do not neglect your close one’s by just jetting off with an up sticks mentality. While this works for some, the aftereffects are there. Give her mother something to look forward to. You go globetrotting because you want memories. Think for a second of the mother. She wants the same, but on home soil, with the best she has got to offer.
Multiple worries after my hot fling with maths Miss
“I had passionate sex with my teacher but now I’m afraid to go back to school. I’m 18 and in my final and most important year in school. I’d planned to go to university but now I think all my plans might be in ruins. A new maths teacher started in September. I think she’s in her early twenties. She’s got long brown hair and a smile that makes me feel weak. I was out with my mates last weekend and I bumped into her at the bar in a nightclub. We we’re a bit drunk when we left. She asked if I’d walk her home and invited me in for coffee. The next thing I know we were in the bedroom naked, having the hottest sex ever. Now I’m afraid to go back to school.”
Making grown up decisions, especially with sex have their disadvantages. You will have to go back and face up to your responsibilities now. School crushes are natural but the boundaries of sex are now becoming more out of control. The only one who can decide this control is yourself. Try to be less seduced and not act on these urges. They can also have damaging consequences within the confines of the law. While I will give you the right ranting details to be responsible and tell the school you had sex, because she has abused her position, you must also go back. This is your education. Hopefully you can learn from this mistake, and be more considerate to situations in future. If you believe that alcohol is affecting your decisions then try to cut back on your intake over time. If not, you must learn that problems can arise from situations and we must deal with them. Facing up to responsibility is one of those. I would suggest continuing to focus on your education and forget about sexual desires. Now you have experienced this, your lust for her will naturally disappear over time. She was a fling.
Endless search for lusted after guy in club
“I was in a bar minding my own and drinking with friends who were mixed around the place. A guy accidentally bumped into me and drunkedly said “Ooh sorry love.” I overreacted and sneered at him in a mood. I regret doing this. Ever since, I cannot stop thinking about handling it differently. I wish to see him again and if it happened I want to turn him around and kiss him. I don’t know if he is gay. I keep fantasising about this now. I’m 28 and he looks like he’s 25 -30. I have gone back to the bar a couple of nights to see if he would return, but no such luck. Am I gay or bisexual and why am I feeling this keen on him? I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, most of which fail to stimulate me fully with sex and in general.”
You seem to be a good person with respect but have had a moment of error. We’ve all been there with a random bump which sometimes is nothing and other times just nags you at that certain time. It is good that you let this pass. It seems as though you are interested in this guy romantically and should not suppress your feelings. If girls do not really help you then you might be considering bisexuality but looking for the right guy even though you haven’t properly set up a looking program. This may be the type of man that interests you and there is nothing wrong with being bisexual. It is about connecting with someone you feel stimulates you and makes you fulfilled, either sexually or generally in a relationship or lifestyle. I don’t know if you will find this guy again in that bar, but you can try to head back their a few times if it is nearby. If it isn’t I would say to stop going out of your way. Maybe this was a call you needed to explain your feelings and make you realise what could be easily lost.