Dear Deandre #10
Dear Deandre is back with more problems you have to be solved in this bumper issue. As always if you have a dilemma need fixing please get in touch by looking at the contact page or posting a comment below. We hold full discretion and protect sources should you wish to remain anonymous.
Her engagement bash bonk with my best mate
“My fiancée had sex with my best mate at our engagement party. She won’t admit it but I know the truth. My girl and I are both 23. We’ve been together for two years and it seemed that our love had got better and stronger as time had gone on. I showed her the ring and she cried and said “Yes”. We held an engagement party at my parents’ house a month later. By midnight my parents had gone to bed and the numbers and thinned. I was chatting to a mate when I heard a thumping overhead from the bedroom that used to be mine. I realised my fiancee had been off the scene for a while so I thought I should find her. As I went up the stairs I was stopped by my mate coming down. He wanted to chat. He tried to keep talking but I pushed past him and went on upstairs. The bedroom door was locked so I said “Whose in there?” My fiancée called out it was her, that the room was spinning and she didn’t feel well. Ten minutes later she opened the door looking a bit worse for wear. I found a used condom under the bed. If that isn’t proof, what is?”
This isn’t full proof, however it is abundantly clear they have been having sex behind your back. This guy is not your friend and clearly tried to stall you downstairs. Why did your girlfriend wait ten minutes? The guy may have seen an opportunity to use your fiancee against you and maybe he dislikes you for some reason, or perhaps it is a thrill to do this in a house with other people in as a risk. Either way it is distasteful but you will need to speak to your fiancee now it has calmed down. Tell her calmly you want answers and tell her you are not stupid. Ask her why it happened as their must have been a strong reason and why of all people was it your friend? You need to decide if she is the woman for you in your future. Do not rush into a marriage. This one seems to have no love in it, full of trust issues and you should consider what you want from it.
Drunken sex free’s me of inhibitions
“I have to get drunk to have sex. When I’m sober I’m much too self conscious even to go on top. I’m a 24 year old girl and I lost my virginity five years ago when I was drunk. I’m now used to drunken sex. My mum says when I meet the right person this problem will go but I’m worried I’m stuck in this pattern and wont be able to get over it as I have low self esteem.”
When we get into routine or habits they become the norm because they are the only thing we know and continue to make the same errors of judgement or choices that override what we may want more differentiation from. You may have low self esteem because you were not ready for sex five years ago and gave it away willingly with an ice breaker being alcohol. Since then it has been all you know and has become your habit. You can break this. Try to have more sober sex and build a communication slightly with a partner without drink. In time, less drunk sex will become more appealing and you will understand a new way of feeling better. This can boost your confidence. Also, don’t rely on just sex, try applying your skills to something you enjoy and build more time for yourself than trying to please others.
My Porn Hell
“I have been watching far too much online porn since I split up with the love of my life. I am 26, my ex is 24. We were arguing way to much and decided to call it a day. But I’ve been so miserable and depressed. I don’t go out any longer and turn to porn on my laptop several times a day. If I carry on like this its going to ruin my chance of having a life.”
It is clear why you are focused on online porn. You are not ready to mingle in the offline world yet after having a relationship so committed to someone you feel was your one and only. Therefore, instead of going on the rebound, you are taking time for yourself online. There is no problem whatsoever with this and is a good choice to simmer down from strong relationships after your previous one. The problem here is not online porn, but your communication with it. You are taking time out from the ending relationship but now you can try to focus on a little porn online and your social life too. Try going out and socialising again and sharing time offline as well as online. Making time for both with shared limits than full dependency will be beneficial. Your life will not stop because of watching porn. Think of it as a service just like any other in a shop. It isn’t as simple as saying “switch it off” and the stigmata attached to porn being dirty is wrong. It wont destroy your life but you need to devote time to it. Set a limit of hours of online porn and then doing other things. The reason for this reliance is that you are bored and it has become a routine for you.
Lack of love leaves me feeling undesirable
“My boyfriend says he loves my body but I feel undesirable because he never pays me any attention. We are both 28 and have been together for six months. We have an active sex life and are both into the same things. My boyfriend used to caress me. I’ve spoken to him and he was more intimate and caring for a while but it faded away after a week. I feel like it’s my fault.”
This is no one’s fault overall. The problem is that you have become so comfortable with each other than sex is a fumble than a thrill. Instigate situations or touch him and tell him you both should try foreplay with one another more often in your sex life. You could begin with role play if this is easier for you both to set the ball in motion. If all else fails then you will have to speak to him bluntly and tell him you are not satisfied and explain what you both like sexually and what you’re willing to try. Assure him you are committed to making your sex life work and explain your feelings for him.
Dirty Dad having affair with Aunt?
“I’m convinced my dad is having an affair with my aunt. I’m a guy of 28. My parents have been married for 40 years and I always thought they were happy together. I helped get my dad online a few months ago and now he seems to be constantly checking his emails. He’s also started going out more, saying he is pursuing his hobby of collecting wartime memorabilia. One day I followed him and saw his car parked outside my aunts – for three hours. My gut instinct tells me something is going on.”
Whilst it does seem fairly obvious they are playing away together, there could be a simple explanation. They could be arranging a party or something. Though I would agree with you that there is a strong likelihood of an affair, you will need more proof. Also, though it may be upsetting, they are grown adults and it is not your place to be involved, even though it involves your family. If they are then it is yours and others in your family to make choices on the situation. Keep an eye on a few instances over the next couple of weeks. His suspicious behaviour on email checks are his choice and not yours, but it does give concern. Are your parents happy? Has something changed in their relationship? Once you accuse someone of something that could not be true you cannot easily take that back. If you have very strong detail on an affair then it is up to you to discuss this with your father. You could simply ask him in a politefull manner at a quiet moment or even wait for him outside your aunts to talk. He will not have a prepared statement and you can gauge his reactions. It’s up to you but think about the after effects of your family and decide what is best.
In love with a mate
“I’m holding a party with a close friend I’ve known since school but I’m worried I wont be able to keep my hands to myself. I’m a woman of 25 and my friend’s 26. We are holding a joint party soon. I secretly like him and would love to share my feelings with him but he has a girlfriend. We’ve been friends for years. It’s only recently I have come to realise that I am in fact in love with him. I am worried that at the party I wont be able to stop myself from trying to kiss him. That would really get me into trouble with his girlfriend – who will also be there.”
Stop this now. You are asking for confirmation to hit on him. You should not. He has a girlfriend and he is with her, not you. He will not likely leave her for you. You have built up a fantasy out of this infatuation and it is dangerous for all concerned. You will need to distance yourself from him and try to get over him in time, whether you tell yourself you want to or not. You have convinced yourself he is your ideal man and are seeking to disrupt a relationship that neither him or his girlfriend will thank you for. You are simply infatuated and the closeness of a friend has naturally drawn you to him. Stop chasing him or creating situations to get him and focus on going out and finding others or partake in a hobby. Find friends and other men to talk with and build up relationships. Even if he picked you, he would not respect you for driving away his girlfriend when this relationship between you would eventually bore him. You also risk losing your close friendship too.
Wife’s just a friend – so I use escorts
“I can’t stop seeing escort girls. I even fell in love with one, but all this is so unfair on my wife. My wife and I are both 42 and we have been together since we were 30. But I love her much more these days as a friend and we have not had sex for a couple of years. I started to view porn online. That did the trick for a little while but unfortunately it wasn’t enough. So I started looking at escort sites. After I had been doing this for a year or so I met a girl who really felt special to me. I started buying her gifts and took her out to shows. It was clear that she loved the sex. She is 26. I saw her for nearly six months. When I emailed her to fix the next time to meet up she didn’t say why. I have seen a couple of other girls since. I know I need to break the cycle. The real victim here is my wife.”
You will need to go cold turkey on this. It won’t be easy but you can decrease your use of escorts. Find something else to look up online not in line with escorting. Make small changes over time and it can get better for you. You have a wife so try spending time with her. Watch television, help cook etc. While sharing time together see if you can re-communicate a loving relationship than a friendly one. Tell her you worry your marriage is too friendly and express your sex concerns over two years. Try to make time for one another and perhaps start going on dates again. See if you can rekindle your spark.
Porn vid actors are pal’s parents
“I’ve seen my mates parents in online porn videos. Should I tell him? My mate and I are both 23. His parents are in their forties. I was in our local and an older man I know had had a few drinks and was showing off. I was trying to ignore him so he said “And I bet you haven’t seen your mates parents sh**gging but I have.” I didn’t believe him and he showed me various websites on his phone. It was them all right. They were getting up to all sorts with multiple others. I don’t think my mate has any idea of this. I’m trying to act as though nothing has happened. Do I confront his parents or tell him?”
Yes you should tell him. The fact that people around him are mocking him means that it will come out one time and he could become involved in a fight, especially in the pub which could be bad for him or others. Being the local laughing stock will not help his confidence either and the longer you stall he may feel you are not a friend. Find a quiet moment and tell him you saw them online. It will then be up to him how he handles it but you can be there to support him throughout as a friend. Tell him he should talk to his parents about it and if he doesn’t then perhaps you can. His parents seem to have an avid sex life and they are consenting adults who have made their choices. Talking about it will be a better decision than ignoring this.
Boyfriend lies of whereabouts at night
“I am a girl of 23. My boyfriend is 24. My boyfriend is out all night and comes home late the next day. He says he went out with mates and crashed at their place. I casually mentioned it to his friends and they did not let him stay with them. He must be having an affair. Should I try and catch him out or ask him straight out? He always seems to lie lately about everything and I never get a clear answer.”
It is possible he may not be having an affair but is highly likely. If you are wrong, be prepared to apologise and explain why you thought this possible. It does seem he is having an affair though. His sketchy details and false information is not enough to convince you otherwise and has proved to lie about staying with friends. If he is due to go out then you could ask him where he is going and if he says friends mention you know he is lying and have it out with him. Try to remain calm and express your points so you can get at the truth. If he walks out on you and lies or has no respect it is clear that this relationship may be doomed. You must decide what is best for you and if you can go on living as a girlfriend always cheated on. You could also be at risk of sexual infections should you have sex sometime afterwards.
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Happily Divorce and After
Times of India