Dear Deandre 11

Dear Deandre 11

Dear Deandre is back with more advice on your dilemmas and relationship problems. As ever, if you have a problem, do not hesitate to share this with us. We provide full discretion to protect sources, if required.

My wife played away with team pal

cheating-couple

“My wife cheated on me with a mate in her badminton team. It was more than a year before I caught on. I’m 41 and he’s 42. We used to play badminton, then I hurt my back and had to stop. They sometimes have overnight stays for away games. She lent me her old phone when mine got smashed. Stuck on a train I started to read her old texts. It was clear she had sex with a guy on the team. She said she was sorry and it all happened years ago. According to her it never meant more than just a bit of drunken bit of fun. I love her but all the trust is gone.”

Her connection to the team since you left was clearly a strong bond. This drew her closer to this guy but that is no  excuse to justify this. The fact she is easily swayed proves a problem in how she views you in your relationship. I would recommend you discuss what these could be and you may find out more as a result. Though she apologised it does not seem very sincere and since you claim it was about a year of secrecy before finding out, this highlights two things. Firstly, she has no regard to being honest with you for that amount of time lying. Secondly, she seems to be passing this off as drunken fun yet it is clearly more than this over a whole year of intimate connections. Talk to her about how you see one another and why she did this in a frank but controlled conversation. If you wish to work this out you need to find a way to regain your trust and talking is the first step in this instance. Be honest, but not hurtful.Tell her how it made you feel.

Bedroom bunk-ups becoming a letdown

impotence

“I’ve met a brilliant girl but I have an embarrassing problem, I cant keep it going in bed. I’m 24 and my girlfriend is 19. I thought that our first night together would be the best night of my life but it didn’t quite happen that way – I finished too soon. It has happened that way ever since.”

This may be because subconsciously you have dreamt of a perfect scenario and perfection never exists. After this instance, it has become a routine procedure, not a loving entanglement. You may be stressed or worried about something and this can affect these problems. To pass them you need to question what is on your mind and work to understand them, then this will not play on your mind affecting your performance. Perhaps the setting of sex from previous relationships has a negative atmosphere and you could try different positions and areas of the house if you can. Focus on having general, loving sex and not hope for anything and this will relieve pressure on your activities now and this could help alleviate this.

Cheat still so tasty after love bites

lovebite

“My boyfriend came home covered in love bites. I had two one-night stands in revenge, but I’ve realised I still love him. We’re both 18 and have been together two years. We were thinking of marriage and kids but were both a bit worried that we were too young for commitment. We were still together when he turned up drunk one night with love bites all over him. I felt my love for him had all gone. I went to a nightclub and got chatted up by this really fit guy. At the end of the evening he said he’d walk me home but we stopped in the park and lay down on the grass and have sex. I was back down the club and ended up have sex with the guy on the door. A couple of week later I met up with my ex by chance. We had a few drinks and my feelings came back straight away. We romped in the back of his car. Since then we’ve met up a few times and always have sex. I plan to go to uni but should I stick with him now?”

If you still love him then try to rekindle with him by explaining how you feel, not jumping into bed. It seems you are a very promiscuous girl who craves attention, but you are easily giving away your intimacy to non-important instances. This is your choice and fine if you so wish as it is not my place to lecture you, but you are also bound to get a reputation with the club also. You need to focus on what you want and your age is no excuse. If you want to go to uni this is your choice and cannot allow something to get in the way of a future if you see this available. As with your ex, the pair of you are just sexual rabbits at every opportunity and this is not love. It seems as though you both enjoy playing the other off. You are infatuated and this will soon pass but you should try to think before you act as your emotions are ever changing. You must make a choice for yourself and then act accordingly to the situation. There is nothing wrong with sex, but giving it away to one and all lowers your inner self and others see you as an easy option that shan’t be respected in any right.

Hellish Mother-in-law causing daily distress

in law

“My fiancee’s mum has turned on me since ever since he proposed. I’m 21 and my fiancee is 20. At first his mum and I got on well. Then we got engaged and she turned cold. When I fell pregnant it got worse. None of my family would speak to us and his mum spread rumours about me and scratched his car. She drove past our house screaming and shouting. Our son was born and I invited the family to tea. They stayed 20 minutes and didn’t speak to me. We get nuisance calls day and night. I’m at my wits end. I don’t want my son to see my fiancees family now. I can’t see why he wants to either.”

Unfortunately some families break down and cannot be mended. Your fiancee’s mum is clearly jealous that you have taken her son away from him. The added pain of a child has completely taken her away from him with time and affection. If you are bothered about these rumours and they affect you daily with people you know then you should set the record straight. Or you can ignore them, though this is hard, but you know they are false. The fact she is behaving like a hooligan near your home as well is childish. You could get a restraining order if you feel it becomes threatening enough. Call authorities and tell them about the verbal abuse near to your home. Change your phone number if you wish, though this might not be a permanent solution. It is unfortunate that when you have something going well in life there is someone to ruffle the joy, but this happens in troubled families. Focus on your own as you have tried to no avail to make her a part of this one. If she cleans up her act, perhaps you might reconsider, but this is your choice and it does not seem likely. Put her aside and move on with your life. You have others depending on you know and you must also keep your health in check, too. If she persists you may need to tell her that this is your life and he is your fiancee with a family responsibility and that is how it is. Though I wouldn’t advise any communication with her as she does not seem approachable. Sadly, you must move on.

Impatient girlfriend cheats with stud down alleyway

alleyway

“I have discovered my girlfriend had sex with a guy down an alleyway one night after we’d had a row. We have been together for five years and have a daughter whose nearly 18 months old. We are 25 and 26. I know I have neglected her recently. For the last two years I’ve been in my own shell. My dad died and I had to be there for my mum. I was no help to my girlfriend and our baby and our sex life went downhill after she was born. We had a terrible argument one night and she stormed out to the pub. She had sex with this guy afterwards – a mate tipped me off. It hurt. I always though cheats were dirt but maybe there are situations where a genuine mistake occurs.”

You drove her to have sex with another man, but this does not excuse her infidelity. You need to understand what made her do this. Getting together at an early age may also have made her feel losing out of previous chances at relationships beforehand. If this is the case you could consider threesomes but I would advise this only with a no strings policy so neither of you feel anything for the third party than a sexual thrill to repair your bond. A woman, especially younger these days have a high level of low self esteem. Feeling unloved by certain choices, stern words or patterned behaviour on a daily basis can drive a wedge, as well as a lack of sex. Though the fact she cheated so easily is something you need to consider. Is this your arguments causing this, or is it that she has grown out of love with you and needs an excuse to meet someone else? Your personal dilemmas were unfortunate and arrived all at the same time. You cannot blame yourself for bad timing. You seem to be too trusting, which may make her view you as a doormat, especially since you have not been too happy in recent months. She may not truly love you, but you need to test if she does in your relationship. Ask her why, what motivates her for sex with others and what they give her that you don’t. Try some things out with her sexually. If this does not fulfill either of you, then you should consider this relationship’s long term basis. You are both still young and can easily find others that appreciate you for yourself.

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Dear Deandre #4

Girls want Playas

“Girls I date only seem to want a**holes. I treat them well, so why can’t I find someone who wants me to treat them right?”

flirt

For some people it is the thrill of the chase. For others they want someone they feel is tough to protect them and all that. Women are told, and feel that they are as week as sociological texts suggest. Going off on tangents and unable to deal with issues a manly way is difficult for them to deal with. Being a man isn’t about punching someone out and you understand this. There are many women who want a stable, supportive and caring gentleman above all else, it is just difficult to find them today, and vice versa. Don’t give up, continue to maintain your dignity and remain a gent. Your morals with override asshole’s anyday, it just takes time. The real secret to a woman’s heart, and what every relationship craves no matter how awkward is a partnership of trust, dignity and faith.

Ex Pal made me reveal cheating

“I had a stupid one night stand with a bloke in a club four years ago who turned out to be my best friends boyfriend. It didn’t mean anything. My friend split up with this guy anyway. I’m 30 and gay and my boyfriend is 29.”

cheating

it is a shame that you felt you could not tell your boyfriend yourself and your friend had the moral approach instead of you. Despite your excuse of years ago, you had still kept that secret and would have if your friend didn’t place pressure onto you. You should have been honest and should do so in the future with any partner. Your friend should not have been too full on, but felt they were doing the right thing. Again, you should have avoided this yourself and explained it earlier. Now you have revealed everything you can tell your pal that your fella knows and they can leave you alone if you wish for this. They have no attachment left to you anymore. If your partner has accepted and prepared to move on with or without you, and if your friend continues involvement after you have explained the situation to him, they cannot feasibly have claim to be involved whatsoever. You can understand their hurt as you were cheating on your friend too. Perhaps you can have a heart to heart with him if you truly are sorry. If you meet up go for a coffee or something in a public place. If you value your five year relationship, you have a lot of ground to (re) cover in making it up to him.

Family Affair

“I think my boyfriend is having sex with his mum but he just says i am being silly. I am 16 and he is 20. We have been together for six months. His mum split up with his dad a year ago. He went to have a shower, when I asked him if he’d finished I heard his mums voice. She was naked in the shower. I heard his mum go into the room around midnight and she was there for over an hour. I could hear noises like sex going on. She said she was tucking him in.”

cuddle

Technically the law does state incest is illegal and though certain people find it deplorable, this is on the rise in many households around Britain. There can be many reasons for this but a separation and close comforting bond as strong as theirs can tie them together. If you wish to report this you are able to do so but it will be traced back to you as their is no one else who could feasibly have done so. If you do, you will have to shoulder the responsibility. Your response is clear that you wish to leave this relationship. If you report hoping to remove the mother and get the guy then that is a fairy-tale without a happy ending. You will have removed his mother from his life and there will be no forgiveness for that. Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend and explain what he is doing is wrong and that he should stop this or perhaps ask for some advice on how to stop his mother. The action is consensual and they are both adults, but it is difficult for a young boy growing sexually to refuse sexual activity, nor from his mother who has a position of power and authority in their household.

Wasting salary on Porn

“I spend my money on Porn. I work hard and I am a 23 year old guy  and when I get home I can’t help but look at porn. I spend more on chat lines and the girls don’t really please me.”

money burn

This is a common phase with people growing up. These are called hormonal impulses. Many watch porn and can have healthy lives alongside it. You should try to stop spending on the chat lines as you are not really getting any gratification as you express. You can watch porn and keep boundaries with it, but phonelines can be addictive, however this does not make you a sex addict. Testosterone adds these feelings naturally to us as men and you are in no way abnormal. You are simply single and free of commitments. Take some time to deal with your daily lifestyle and when your urges arrive to have a time for sexual pleasure, make time for yourself but try to reduce the overtime so that it doesn’t fully dominate your every decisions. Being alone, a man with testosterone and in a broken society means it is safer to engage in these actions in your household and is also regarded as health by sex health professionals. because you have not had a partner, the porn is the next available thing when you have urges. This is healthy and shouldn’t be demonised. Not everyone has the ability to go outside for financial or even social reasons. Your shyness is a problem and lack of friends has cut you off but you should try interacting with others more, or perhaps visit a self help section and find a book on overcoming shyness in a library or bookstore. It may seem drastic but this guidance could help you and there is no shame with finding your drive in life alongside a healthy sex drive. Sex is a natural order.

Groping friend a nightmare

“One of my boyfriends pals keeps touching me and saying extremely inappropriate things. I am 21,  female and have been with my guy for six months. He always made it obvious that he likes me.”

touching

If it is making you feel uncomfortable then this is extremely inappropriate. You need to tell them to stop doing that as hard as it may be for you. If this fails you may need to report this behaviour before it has a chance to escalate. You must be clear that you do not condone these actions and that you do not like this and you are not a free for all grab bag unless you give intentions, of which you suggest you are not , but if you have then you should outline it isn’t acceptable any longer and makes you feel awkward. This pal also has no regard for his friendship with his pal and you should inform your boyfriend with direction to leave it alone and part ways from this guy if boundaries cannot be kept. Your body is yours and yours alone and no one has the right to take advantage of this.

Pals don’t get why I’m not up for sex

“Since I was very young, I have known that I am asexual. I have never had the urge to have sex. I don’t desire it and can happily live without it. It kind of repulses me. I am a woman of 25 and people say I am pretty. I get plenty of male attention and don’t want it.”

no sex

Some of us do not feel the rampant urge to fornicate every split second. However this does not mean we do not have a sex drive. It could be mild stress or anxiety that halts your drive into engaging with real encounters and no desire for instant attractions. You clearly value a longer, and more stable communication with passion and time to know someone and more of a dater than anything else. Look for some dates if you wish but not jumping onto the charge of sex every second is commendable and tasteful. Don’t let others make you feel any less desirable but also don’t fall into a possible trap of despising those who have other sexual needs. It is good that sex does not define you as a newer, younger generation are enarmoured by. Attitudes to sex have changed because advertising and parenting have toned down stability and allowed it to progress for lack of discussing the issues in an open forum. You may enjoy political texts as well as going outdoors to witness nature in a fuller content context.

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