X Factor UK 2013 Results: Week 1

Ellie Goulding and Cher give some performances for tonight’s results. The results came in.

cher 1

First act through in no particular order – Kingsland Road. Joining are – Abi, Sam Callahan, Sam Bailey, Miss Dynamix, Hannah, Nicholas, Tamera, Rough Copy. 1 more is certain of a place. Last place goes to – Luke.

Mrs. O has done a great job in her comeback. It’s Over Vs Over. Excellent re-hire Mr. C. (Cowell)

One tweeter wrote “I wonder if Sharon will vote this time or strop off like the last time she had two acts in the bottom two!”

Shelley Smith

One Night Only – Jennifer Hudson

Shockingly does a very good performance and belter. But, she’s fat, erm, a big girl with talent and not popular with the kids screaming for teen boys over-sexualised by the show. You do the math.

Sharon looks down for her own contestant’s name on piece of paper in front of her on the desk to introduce Lorna. So drunk, the second evening in a row, she cannot remember her name. Anyone else would be sacked.

Lorna Simpson

There You’ll Be – Faith Hill

 

Weak. Defeatist. Teary.

Judges Vote

judges

Shaz is now seen after being strategically told to drink a cup of tea.

Dermot went to Sharon first. Mrs. O calmly and arrogantly left her acts in the lurch once more by choosing to abstain. “No Vote.” Dermot quickly moved on after the disgrace of a judging role to vote, where ITV didn’t bother pressing Osbourne for a vote. Abstainations are not allowed, despite X Factor being too moronic to figure out what to do on a live show that goes completely wrong everytime.

After a sneaky glance and word from Shaz, who didn’t vote, Louis chose his selection. “It’s a tough vote. Sending home Lorna.”

Gary decided to even the field. “What a fantastic sing off. Shelley – if you sang like that last night you wouldn’t be here. Lorna – you got an amazing voice. Sending home – Shelley.

Decision maker Nicole sealed the fate. “That was unbelievable. Shelley, more to see from you so the act I’m sending home is Lorna.”

Lorna Simpson leaves the competition as numerous outraged fans screamed of a “Fix Factor” instead. This year no deadlock will occur so if a tie the lowest public votes leave the show. Because Louis Walsh can never make a good decision.

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Lorna a goner. Simpson leaves the X Factor contest.

Xtra F*ckta!

Over on ITV2…

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Ring the Alarm… Sex sirens Flack and Richardson

The calamity continued. Sharon told her recently leaving contestant Lorna to “go to the jungle. Go to Big Brother. All you have to do is sit there and do nothing.” Sharon decded not to vote and drink “tea” all night. Host Caroline Flack asked Shaz “Is that tea in there?”

“No, but that’s how I get away with it” Obourne admitted on live television.

Over personal Nicole said she saved Shelley because “I have a connection with Shelley.

Daughter to Osbourne Kelly was interviewed, briefly, in the audience. She said they were “Having fun.” Sharon recently re-opened the feud with Lady Gaga in a national kiss and tell rag on Sunday jumping in on her daughter’s losing fight with Gaga. She also predictably attacked former judge Dannii Minogue with numerous lies, including hinting at Minogue ‘stealing’ a handbag Sharon bought her for her birthday.

Moving away from disaster that is Osbourne. Xtra Factor launched a new one. Weedy plank and new unknown host Matt something revealed the “sex alarm” had gone off.

To add to this disgraceful over-sexualisation and debauchery Matt revealed his WINKI an acronym meaning World Internet Navigation Keyboard Interface. (More like BLLX) He then changed it to Matt’s Interactive News Generating Exhibit (MINGE) and then Browser Utility Monitor (BUM)in some ingenious choices to make interesting entertainment.

sharon tea

Tea tree oil.

Other debauchery uttered included “I’ll go through your keyhole “ to maneater Flack. Dermot was instantly appalled shouting “Oh come on?!” Matt then crossdressed in a headband and lipstick for no apparent reason.  Oh hang on, it was a guess the contestant moment. He was mimicking Abi.

Sex pest Matt then shockingly said “Love listening to your sound while being rubbed up and down by a masseuse” to Abi’s performance. Abi is 19.

Sex on the beach and twerking were also mentioned and conducted. He then blew kisses to Kingsload Road, ages 19, 19, 20, 22 and 25.

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Then following with “Let’s see what’s going on on my bum.”

The debauchery soon ended as leaving contestant Lorna Simpson was asked of her time on the show. She added “I just want to get out of these hideous clothes. Its not me!”

"Hideous"

“Hideous”

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X Factor UK 2013 Week 1

The X Factor has re-launched its series for another rough thirteen weeks for the coming year. Taking their places were the resident sponges Louis Walsh and Nicole ‘sh*tstinker’ Shezinger. Gary Barlow admitted his final series in order to tour with Take That next year. Original judge Sharon Osbourne has also returned for one year.

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This year the panel attempt to remove voting politics, ratings dips and boredom whilst presenting a mixed bag of musical ‘talent’ and entertainment. Tonight is an ‘80s night.’

First up was the new age Tina Turner, Hannah Barrett. Judges said she “killed it” with a performance of What’s Love Got To Do With It? Then came the baby face Nicholas McDonald. The teen Scot, selected by mentor Louis, desperate to win, was selected over two ‘fat’ guys with talent. McDonald is bookmakers SECOND favourite to win. Louis Walsh is his mentor. If there was an official poster for over-sexualisation of X Factor, this would contribute. He’s way out of his depth. The sixteen year old sang Spandau Ballet. He was talking through most of the song.

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Leona Lewis, Misha B and Alexandra Burke thrown together at the last minute.

Up next were the first group, Miss Dynamix, who fans said look “exactly the same” and wore a fusion of bright coloured dresses. There really was no colour coming through from the girls and are instantly forgettable. Their performance was weak.

Prison officer Sam Bailey gave decent tone and a strong ballad for the first week. This one has Nikki vibes all over her. Nikki got to the final four before voted out for having strategic comedian Walsh as her mentor years ago. Barlow said she had a “gorgeous vibrato.” Sounded to many like fabroato.  No words of interest Nicole spoke “I am speechless right now.” Louis said “Love the makeover.”

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Backstage, promiscuous Caroline Flack has now created a ‘green room’ come holding bay where she exclusive stuffs a microphone into contestant faces and asks their thoughts before a controller storms in to say they need to go to the stage now. Not pointless at all.

Sweetie Sam Callaghan sang Summer of 69. How original of Louis. Sam’s introduction on the musical talent show was mentioning he is single. What has being single got to do with this singing show? Callaghan gave a dreadful performance and was off pitch everywhere. No real star buzz. Girl’s might cheer, but what have you actually got to offer? Is the only aspiration of the show to get a girlfriend/boyfriend? Goodness… Go home with Louis. Calamity Sharon said – “You’ve got the whole package for me. Got *something*(inaudible) ability factor” she adds.

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Crazy silly females in the show continue making a mob mockery of X Factor. But, what are you expecting when you once again over-sexualise children? Barlow and Scherzinger stated with was not the best of vocals. Mentor Louis responded “Guys, nobody works harder. You’re an absolute dream to mentor. You’re like a little Bryan Adams.”

Following that where an all new boyband. The Wham rejects styled as One Direction where called Kingsland Road. They all looked exactly like each other. They sang the classic, If you’re gonna do it right. What irony. Barlow was accused of being a sell-out. The harmonies were off, they went and touched some girls in the audience frothing at the mouth and weren’t memorable in musical dynamics. Nicole complimented them on their hair. Louis said “I know you’re working really hard behind the scenes. If you’re having a good time you’ll go far.” Drunkard Shaz took the killer line “You look like Leonardo Di Caprio” she said to a Rhydian lookalike. It was from this moment on everyone knew Sharon was sozzled on the job.

Generic Studs.

Generic Studs

Mrs.O’s fun act was due next. Shelley Smith gave a performance of Heart’s Alone. Fans were unimpressed. The hydrallic lift of musical theatre made a laughing stock of Osbourne, Cowell, X Factor and Smith. Barlow attacked her for not conforming to a notion every other act seemed to incorporate in their acts “a modern twist on 80s night. You were stuck in 80s. Need to modernise your voice.” This is the same guy who had Chris Maloney, an ungrateful fame seeker using everyone he can. Louis said “You gave it wellie. That’s what it’s all about.”

Pin Prick. Judge Walsh.

Pin Prick. Judge Walsh.

Young, flower power crowned Abi Alton sang a contemporary Bon Jovi classic. One you just don’t mess with, because if you get such a legend wrong, the audience are unforgiving. Alton lost many fans as their favourite. She was accused of being whiny with her acoustic set up. It was beyond contemporary standards to viewers. Louis said “Didn’t hear a pin drop.”

“You could have heard a pin drop” SNAP! Barlow and Walsh utter the same script.

More over-sexualisation now. Lorna Simpson was completely thrown by the buff bodied hunks she would have dancing with her. “Oh my god, naked bodies?” she mentioned. They weren’t exactly naked, only semi. Sings well, but crap and leching all over bodies.

Sexy bodies

Sexy bodies

X Factor needed to get its script in order and scheduled a commercial break before giving the comments. You got 4 minutes, GO! Gary and Nicole set the comments roll adding “pitch was all over the place” as Nicole followed saying “I agree with Gary.” Thrill seeker Louis said “I loved it. (I) remember watching Top Of The Pops in the 80s.” Sozzled Shaz added “You were a bit, like, unsure. It all took off.”

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The X Factor producers and Simon Cowell’s “favourite” to win, who underwent a radical makeover to shake off her criminal past churned out the sexed up Tamera. Taking on a classic by R’n’B legend Chaka Khan’s Aint Nobody was a huge mistake but got through it decently with help from the auto tuning machine in the background. She span around. It was turned into a club groove watered down. Dance lover Walsh said “You’ve got all of the moves, a great look.” Drunkard Sharon baffled many with her comments once again, adding “Yes misses, you’re very exotic, you look exotic.” Tamera is black. The subordination of black females among over sexualisation continues to grow in X Factor’s favour.

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Over-sexualised Tamera. “She looks just like Rihanna”

Audience fears over Luke Friend’s dreadlocked hair were on offer now. He combed it back and had a little bit sheared off. He looked like action hero Predator instead. He sang a song by Sting. It was a weak song filled with shouting vocals. It was a rotten choice. Sozzled Shaz began the comments off with “Luuuuuuuuuuuu-oak! Performance value, bang on. Voice not greatest but you don’t need it with that face.” (Have we got an over-sexual counter in the corner? We may need one.) Housewives favourite Barlow compared themselves next. Your voice is an acquired taste. Load of mum’s out there who want to wash your hair.”  Handler Louis spoke “Loved your energy. I don’t care. I just want people to vote for ya!” Last year X Factor was investigated after Louis who avoided it before, continues to attempt to sway votes asking people to vote, which is profound.

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predator

Rough Copy went last. After their visa hiccups and X Factor stalling they began In the Air by Phil Collins. Hazy start on first line echoey. (Gary nods) Borrowed strobe lights from TV catchphrase gameshow it seems. Eddie Murphy from Living in America in the blue get up joined the band. It felt bland, empty and boring. Nothing really there. Nicole chimed in “You might be the best band I ever seen.” Louis said  “I love the staging, the image.” More than half cut Shaz muttered “The moment is here for you.”

rough copy 1

Now all acts have performed, a new terror was approaching. Cue the doomy music atmosphere. “Ahh, ah!” The flash vote is up next! (?) The flash vote allows you to vote for the next ten minutes to save your faves then the lowest poller will go through to the Sunday results show, tomorrow night, as one of the two sing off acts. They used the Queen “Flash” music. Disgraceful. After Dermot chats to the acts lined up for ten mins, we predictably go to the 100th break in a two hour show.

The votes were in. Saved were all the Girls and Groups. Then Louis’ boys were safe. Sharon Osbourne’s glorious X Factor return from the past was about to be dented. The act facing the sing off was Clare from steps, Shelley.

Phone lines re-opened to carry over votes for the second act to join Shelley the following evening.

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Shell Fell…

Results to follow…

Wise Owl Cowell

For X Factor’s triumphant return with drama, glitz, over-sexualisation of children, subordination of women and vamping up illustrious levels of sexual connotations, the show plummeted to all new lows of disaster levels. The excellent rehire of dated Sharon Osbourne, adding no style or interest whilst being drunk on the show is unforgivable, but pals won’t deal with Mrs.O’s unprofessional indulgence. The first show is often the most crucial to encourage viewers. Tons plan to snub the show that has become an utter disgrace in entertainment, making a mockery of the music industry and plucking young children from obscurity to please a judge’s ego based on area code. Give X Factor three to five years at best before it dies completely, even if it still clings on to a TV platform. Bosses are so desperate they believe X Factor god Simon Cowell will save it, and will take a £50m payoff to return in Barlow’s seat next year. A seat Cowell has been constantly jealous of. Snob Cowell chose to snub options that would help him and his TV show survive, and now, the show is teetering on concussion. Not long now.

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