Dear Deandre #8

 

Dear Deandre #8

After a busy time and short hibernation, Dear Deandre is back to answer your puzzling predicaments. Dilemma’s come from newspaper problems, though the advice is purely ours and ours alone.

If you have an issue you’d like solved, please get in touch through email, or below in the comments if you like. You can also follow us on Twitter below.

 

Noisy sex next door

nosiy

“My neighbours noisy sex wakes me up in the early hours. It’s horrific. I’m a 39 year old single mum and have a daughter who is four. The noise is louder in her room but luckily she sleeps through it. I’m really starting to resent them. Do you think I should have a quiet word with them?”

It can be a difficult situation and they may be unaware that it is causing you such distress. If you feel these people are approachable then you could have a word. Usually a brief and informal chat with easy discussion is the best remedy. Explain that you understand the need for such activities and highlight your daughter is next door. You could try Kalms, or other sleeping tablet remedies, but of course, you will ask why should you. But do not wade in with such aggression as if you seem someone unable to have a smooth conversation it could turn into upset. Take this all in light tone and conversation and be prepared to accept their points of view also.

Idle boyfriend has no get-up and go

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“My boyfriend has no steady job nor even a bed of his own – he sleeps on a camp bed on his parent’s landing. I’m 23 and have a good job and a nice car. He is 24 and I love him but we’ve been together three years and I feel it’s time to take things more seriously, like having a baby. When I talk about it he just laughs and doesn’t take it seriously.”

Some families are stuck in levels of poverty even if it does not seem apparent. The market at getting a job today is very difficult and in short supply. Applicants and skill sets are vast meaning it can be virtually impossible for many to gain a job despite efforts made. Over time this can also demoralise and cause slumps. Try motivating him with encouraging conversations and maybe help him realise his potential at some specific he may like or even if it is at a cash register. Gradually, with support he may be able to regain some stride. It is highly likely he has no one to count on and feels down as a result. His lack of talking about the issue of a child is either down to being unable to provide, or simply he does not want fatherhood upon him. He may feel he has not lived at such a young age and wouldn’t want such commitment he can’t donate his time to.

Spark’s Gone

SPARK OUT

“I’m not happy with my girlfriend any more – but can’t dump her because our families are so close and I’m her brother’s best man in June. I’m 23 and she’s 21. We’ve been together two years but the fun has gone. She makes me say “I love you.”

As much as you find this difficult you need to outline how you feel. If you do not love her then telling her so is wrong and will only get her hopes up. Eventually when you do go elsewhere, by way of break up or affair, which is inevitable, she will be distraught because you did not stand up and explain yourself. The longer you live this lie the more it will eat into your confidence and ability to be yourself and enjoy things. The longer it is left the linger the problem grows with pain. Her brother could find a new best man and would be upset in the long run if you were should he look back on his memories realising you weren’t into it if you break up. Act quick and try to talk honestly as soothing as you can.

Mates sneer at transexual love

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“I’m in love with a girl who used to be a man. So am I gay? I’m 22 and have fallen for a post-op transsexual. She’s 24. My mum say’s shes a girl but my mates say I’m gay and are laughing at me.”

No this does not make you gay. You are simply someone who is more open and able to try new things. The reason your mates laugh at you is because they know it gets to you and like to wind you up. Knowing it plays on your insecurities also highlights the fact that they are not your mates. Try finding others or express to them that you don’t care what they say. The reason they point and laugh at you is because they lack relationship connectivity in their own relationships in general. Does the approval of other people dictate your choices in love? If so, then you are going to find it tough and loose a lot of chances at happiness.

Is my Girl mentally unwell?

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“I think my daughter is mentally ill and I’m worried sick as her mother jumped off a bridge years ago. She survived and got treatment but my daughter might not be so lucky. She is 24, married, but has give up her job. She does strange things, talks to herself and has become abusive to her husband. I phoned her GP but the receptionist said she has to make an appointment herself and won’t.”

As a consenting adult this is her choice, despite your best intentions. If you force her to do this then she could resent you forever and sometimes this will never be forgiven. The only way you can deal with this is to discuss with her your concerns about her job and previous experiences that may have shaped her path today.If she refuses the GP appointment, which some can see as an admission of problems that many cannot accept, consider asking her if she would go to counselling with you. It is not the most ideal situation, but might be a starting point left for you both. Tell her you love her and why you feel you need to talk about it. Also explain that you need it as much as her. Depression and mental illness can often be heredity. Unfortunately, do not expect any support from the government with benefits as they will viciously throw her off at any opportunity they can get.

Birth of son ended my sex life

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“Since I had my son eight months ago I really can’t be bothered having sex any more. I’m 28 and my partner is 26. I’d read about sex drive disappearing after having a baby but thought mine would return. It hasn’t. Will I ever want sex again?”

Your libido is always there but needs awakening. You need to find something that sexually stimulates you. This could be setting, location, the smell of outdoors or anything you might enjoy. The difficulty of having a baby and caring for them who require constant care often causes this to take a hit. Exhaustion and trying to get on with a daily routine with your son is now your natural priority. If you can maybe ask for some help to babysit and look for a night out if you have friends available. If not, or you don’t wish for this, making time for yourself whatever you do is the most needed. Over time this can slowly but surely move you closer to feeling better about things. You could look at sexual content or read on sexual health or details to gradually re-integrate you to a sexual frame of mind to discover your stimuluses again.

Porn mad hubby’s ruining baby plan

Children prohibited sign

“My husband never wants sex with me. He satisfies himself masturbating to porn – but we want to start a family and it’s never going to happen like this. We are both 27 and get on well but I’m always the one to initiate sex. I have a high sex drive. He claims he can’t stop. I’ve told him I wouldn’t mind watching porn together but he never asks me to. We’re trying for a family and I’ll never get pregnant like this.”

The issue here does not seem to be your husband’s porn habit but more your selfish desire to have a child. There is nothing wrong with motherhood but if you got married for this intention alone you should not have assumed your husband is as keen as you. He may not be interested in having a child and this could put him off sex, seen more as a chore or trap than fun and responsible sex. Such stress can cause lack of communication to one area and is often substituted to another that offers difference instead. You will have to talk to your husband about childhood at some point. I would suggest now, so you know where you stand. If he does not want this you cannot force it onto him. As for sex outline your desires and tell him he needs to take a more forthcoming approach to pleasing you as much as you want to for him.

Freaking out over sex with girl’s sis

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“My girlfriend has suggested a threesome with her sister – but she doesn’t know we already had sex. I’m 22 and have been seeing my girlfriend for two years. She’s 21. We love each other very much and want to be together forever. Sex is brilliant and we agreed we didn’t ever want it to get stale. We have talked about a threesome for years. She said she would ask her 23 year old sister. She said she wouldn’t feel threatened by her.”

This is the problem with such sex like this. Eventually when an offer of a dream fantasy becomes the reality it can all go wrong. If you have this threesome, which your girl clearly wants, she will discover the connection between you and her sister between the sheets and likely figure out your are closer than anticipated. You have some options. You could tell her and face the consequences. Do the threesome and risk being caught. Don’t do it and continue to live your lie. Obviously the last two are immoral. This is of course, your choice. If you tell your girlfriend you can explain why your sex life has clearly taken a dip. There will be a point in every man’s life when they are faced with a tough decision to be honest. I believe this is your time because if you don’t you will continue to lead problematic relationships and never be fully satisfied. Sex with a sibling can be dangerous. Unless entirely committed and not swayed, it should be avoided wherever possible, no matter how appealing.

Misery of life at work

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“I hate being at work. Older guys there are always asking me about girlfriends and what I’m going to do with them. I’m 20 and having a tough time in my job. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong, just because I have only been there a few months. I don’t have a girlfriend but but they still ask what I have done sexually and they check out all my girl mates on Facebook. Everytime they find out that I am meeting a girl, they ask whether we are going to do stuff together. I m fed up with it. I wake up dreading the thought of going to work.”

When work become a pain that you wish not to be there any longer there is a huge problem that must be addressed. The fact these men are asking you such impersonal questions not once but many times is non of their business and you may need to explain this to them. This may be difficult for you. These people are using you to score sex and use office politics against you. These men are clearly perverted and using these girls and you to gain some gratification in their fantasies they failed to live. I would advise asking politely to stop asking these questions as your personal life is not working chatter. You can also tell them that it could get them in trouble for checking out these girls, obviously much younger then them. If this fails and problems continue you should take this to management and explain the sexual content, Facebook hounding and abuse at work. This is a form of harassment and explain you are disliking your job as a result which is interfering with your personal life in working hours, which is not in your contract.

Undervalued by family love for sister

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“My parents keep saying how clever my sister is and how well she’s doing, then ask me why I can’t be more like her. I’m 17 and I’m fed up of being compared with her all the time. She’s 19 and at University. They think that it is the only way to succeed. Mum and Dad keep saying how my sister will earn a fortune when she has graduated and have a wonderful life – and I won’t. I know I should ignore their comments but they diss everything I do and it hurts.”

It is a shame that this happens in families but is more common than you would think. The illusion that University guarantees success isn’t always apparent, especially with the lack of job availability today. Degrees do increase the opportunities but not the determinant. Companies are learning to adopt the non graduate these days because they have more common sense int he workplace than those boosting of high class education. The second of a families children is always the most clever and productive so don’t allow anyone to make you feel any less that great that you agree. The only advice I can truly give you is to try to get a job that pays well or even generally and earn as much money you can to save up and move out. your parents do not value you and chances are they never will. Seeking their approval for years which will never come will only put you back further. Aim high to get an independent future now and save. If they hurt your feelings maybe try listening to music to pass or help if it does and rise above. Work to a higher goal so you can eventually get away from this explosive abuseful situation.

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The Atlantic Cities

She Knows

Strong Healthy Moms

Daily Mail

Kristy Berridge

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Sexercise. One for the lads on top sex tips.

Is this one for the lads? Well the girls can join in to.

After the new craze sweeping the nation thanks to Kylie Minogue’s Sexercise routine (video below) courtesy of Men’s Health this month, here’s a few sex-exercise tips.

Have fun and as always, be responsible.

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Check out the vid below.

 

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Men’s Health

Dear Deandre #6

Dear Deandre…

Some stories come from The Sun newspaper headlines as well as our own readers problems. Dear Deandre is not associated with The Sun and all opinions are our own advice.

You can contact us by email (on the contact page above) or on Twitter. @FalseFabs. Alternatively you can post a comment on the site below. Reader discretion is assured.

We’re not sending you a leaflet and I don’t have extortionate phone lines to become rich on your sexual dilemmas.  Dear Deandre has moved to a bi-weekly affair, in order to give you time to read, solve and submit problems if you need any advice on sex, relationships or general problems. Thank You.

I cheated on my girlfriend, with her mum

“I always thought guys who cheat are stupid and deserve to get dumped but I have done it to my wonderful girlfriend – and with her mum. I’m terrified of losing her. I’m 26, she’s 25. We’ve been together two years and we love each other deeply. She recently went away with work. It’s an important project and she was nervous, so her mum came with us to take her to the airport. I drove her mum back home and she asked to me join her at a neighbour’s party. I said no but she insisted. I woke up to find her in bed with me wearing nothing but a silky nightie. Now I have feelings for her.”

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Though your girlfriend’s mother has made the running and seduced you it doesn’t change the fact, as a grown man, you helped yourself to forbidden fruit. You may never have thought you would cheat but you have, and done so with such proximity that this is implosive. You say you feel for her mother, but this is simply feelings of initial lust before the ‘honeymoon period’ wears  off. Honestly ask yourself, can you see yourself in a relationship with her mother nearly twice your age? It won’t last long. Confess to your girlfriend and hope she can forgive you. If you truly love her then you may accept the consequences and can prove you still love her after. If you do not, you should end the relationship. The longer your deceit from both continues, the more you will lose everything as truth always comes out.

I’m having great sex with gym instructor behind girls back

“Sex with my girlfriend is non-existent but good sex equals love for me. I’ve been having great sex with another woman and I’ve fallen in love with her. I’m 32, my girlfriend’s 29. The sex has never been amazing. I met an instructor at the gym. She helped me to improve my fitness levels. There was always an amazing chemistry between us.”

woman weight

Your frustration with a sex less relationship has driven you into the arms of the first temptation you found available. Have you told your instructor you are in a relationship? I feel you haven’t. Regardless, you should consider what you want and take action. Do you want a fancy fling that is going nowhere or a sex less relationship? There are ways to change this. Either one, talk to your girlfriend about the lack of sex and work it out. Or two, dump both of them and find another girl, start afresh and have a relationship with a sustainable level of sex involved. You can’t have both in different avenues.

Changing room led to steamy shower tease

“I went to the gym a few days ago and sat down as I was changing from an exhausting work out. There was a guy opposite me with only a towel on and bent over dropping it, level with my eye-line. I looked away for most of this but caught a glimpse. I went to the shower and he soon came in when it was just us. He was opposite me. He was like one of those shower ladies from I’m a Celebrity. Great body, abs, the lot. He turned, faced me and titled his head back while the water trickled down his body and manhood. I’m sure he was teasing me. When he finished he left without looking and cocked a smile. I’m a guy of 26. He looks about 24 – 27.”

sean lowe bachelor

It is possible that the guy was teasing you. He could have been interested in a quickie or he may simply enjoy being a voyeur around other guys enjoying them looking for a bit of fun. If this is the case then either look or don’t but enjoy the view or not and leave them be. They have technically done nothing wrong or harmful. If he approaches you then you will have options, but unless he does, it seems he may want you to look but not touch. Take it for what it’s worth. If this gives you lustful feelings for him, it’s your choice to ask or not, but this could be harmful if you fall out and continue to go to the same gym afterwards. I advise you just let this pass and allow him to continue showing off if this is what he likes, he may soon get bored if you’re not interested.

Threesome led to male desire over my girlfriend

!I had a threesome with my girlfriend and an old school mate and now I think I may be gay. I’m 31 and my girlfriend is 35. We both work for a large company. We invited an old school pal over for a three way. He was up for it. It was amazing sex. But when we were both penetrating my girl, I was drawn to his eyes. He had a smooth and great body. We also rubbed together as we had sex with my girlfriend. He looked back at me and smiled. I’ve started thinking about what it would be like if we were together romantically. Am I gay? It was my girlfriend’s idea to have this threesome.  I thought I would be comfortable with someone I knew, as it would be just sex and he wouldn’t steal my girl from me.  He’s 31, too.”

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Most men’s fear is that a threesome with a man will turn them gay like this instance. This instance is a rare and often mild one, but it has happened. You may be a bisexual enjoying men more than females, or you could indeed be gay. There is no shame in being either way and you can still enjoy comfortable and healthy sex lives. Test the water with your friend and see if he enjoyed time with you more than her. Perhaps he felt the same way. More often than not he may not have, but he may be open to communication with you. You might also be able to confide him and you may not even really fancy him, but because a man was involved whom you felt comfortable with has made you understand you want certain things and you perhaps do not feel you see sexuality but relationships with partners regardless of gender.

Game of poker lead to sexy strip fun

“Me and my best friend play poker often and we invited some girls we know over for a friendly game. The four of use ended up played a game of strip poker. The girls were into it, laughing and eager to lose some clothes. After it got late to around 2 o’clock, they called a cab and left. It was a good night but we were down to both our boxers.  After they left, they had left us in a fun mood and my mate dared us to finish the game with a last round. The loser would have to help give the other a hand, as it were. I ended up losing and played him on the sofa. He became throbbing hard and I could tell he enjoyed it. He lowered my head and asked if I would orally please him instead and I did. I am 100% straight but this felt like an amazing experience and I want to play the game again with him as a regular thing but just with us on weekly occasions. Should I pursue this? I’m 26 and he’s 25.”

strip poker

The thrill of the game, loyalty to the dare and then pleasure from the sex acts has caused you to unlock a hidden level of your sexuality. You may be straight and you want to experience different levels of sexual pleasure and fun that society often condemns us for. There is nothing wrong if you enjoy sex responsibly and healthily. As to whether you should ask him, well, it seems he enjoyed this and may have felt the same buzz you have. You can ask him, and he will probably agree but be careful if he decides this is not a possibility he wants to pursue and respect him for that. If you have sex, consider using a condom for a healthier approach.

PC fixer buzzed my harddrive

“I cheated on my boyfriend with the computer repair man. I feel I should tell him the truth about what I’ve done but it would destroy him. I am 29 and have been feeling sexually frustrated with my boyfriend. He is 30. We have sex but it is uneventful and boring. I needed a buzz. The PC repair man came over and after he connected me I lapped him up. I found myself doing what I normally wouldn’t and placed my hand over his crotch. I could tell he liked it. We had sex there and then on the floor and then moved over onto the sofa. I felt fantastic, thrilling and surprised by the no strings, spontaneity which drove me wild. I really regret it though, as I love my boyfriend. How can I make sure he knows I love him if I tell him?”

pc man

The spontaneous level of fun can be an exhilarating experience. However, as you understand, you are not single and this has its problems attached. If you tell your boyfriend then you should explain why you felt you needed this buzz and hope to work your differences out. Perhaps suggesting different techniques, positions and mood of how to engage in sex will help. Communicate on how to achieve a healthier sex life and enjoy each other’s company. Tell each other what you like to do and this can ease tensions with one another.

Girl’s mother asked for permission to give me oral sex. She agreed

“My girlfriend’s mother asked for permission to give me oral sex. I’m 28, my girl is 25. Her mum is 47. My girlfriend told me she had asked. Shockingly my girlfriend thought it would be funny and said yes. Her mum came in as I was on the sofa watching TV. My girl left. I said I wasn’t sure but she pulled my jeans off quick and started. I didn’t have time to stop her. After a few minutes being erect my girl came in and sat next to us watching. She put on some mother porn from an old video. I was in two minds. A hot scenario and an awkward one. After, I felt ashamed to have let it happen. They want to do it again while my girl watches. Once may have been enough. I feel uncomfortable but I do enjoy it too.”

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This does sound complicated but it is whether you yourself are comfortable overall. It seems your problem is that your girlfriend enjoys watching with such a level of closeness to you and the other and family connections can become awkward should situations escalate with upset, jealousy etc. Maybe you can outline some ground rules and ask not to make it a continual thing and only now and then if she has no partner and is really starved for companionship. If it happens every week, and you are uncomfortable then you should say as this fantasy can quickly become problematic and you may lose your girlfriend. Try focusing on sex with your girlfriend only and explain to her privately that it may be ok now and then, but overall is awkward for you because her springing it on you randomly threw you off course.

Cheating girlfriend forces me to find others

Jealousy

“I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. I feel so low and lonely that I am not looking for other partners. I am 33. She’s 29. Our sex life has hit a slump. I’m working all hours and come home exhausted and earn our money and she seeks outside relationships. I don’t know how to confront it and have no resorted to looking for other sex partners instead.”

Your girlfriend’s infidelity is inexcusable but the pair of you have reached a level of stalemate. You should either part ways or communicate. If it is this bad, consider having an open relationship. You might want to try role playing if you don’t want role playing. Try to incorporate ideas to making the relationship work if you can and are committed to a resolution. The partners you have sex with are also uneventful for both of you as they are a substitute for the lack of communication.

Swinging standards on third strike sex

“My wife and I are regular swingers. We love the fun and thrill. I like sitting and watching as a young stud has sex with her on our couch as I watch naked on the floor. The smiles on her face also make me pleased. It feels amazing to see a guy underneath enjoying it too and we all have a happy time without it sounding dirty. We always all get on and enjoy it. It’s a good communal experience. One guy now wants to be a regular and we have our own rules not to let guys have sex with us more than three times at the most. How can we tell him we would like to be friends but we’re not a merry go round? She’s 39, I’m 46. He is 27.”

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You will have to be firm but fair. You can outline to him that you have your own set rules. If you do allow him to participate for two more sessions then he may understand to make the best of the experiences and you can give him clarity that the show is ending, so to speak. He will appreciate the experiences more and you can too while setting your boundaries. You may want to make them special somehow. You can still be friends and take to parties if that’s your thing, or if you have other friends you can pair them and share newer experiences. If he becomes too clingy you will have to explain your rules constructively and that he needs to respect them.

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India Times

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Dear Deandre #5

Dear Deandre has returned to give you the advice you need on sex, relationships and daily life tips to get through tough times with a logical and supportive sense. All views are our own and if you have a question you need answered please feel free to email us in the contact section above. Alternatively post a comment below. Or you can tweets us at @FalseFabs on Twitter. Don’t forget to follow us, too for fresh updates on articles.

Dear Deandre will now be a bi-weekly edition in order to give readers more time to read and ad their own if necessary. Discretion is assured and we always protect our sources so you can read and email in confidence. The bi-weekly also allows for more time to give a fuller detailed level of help to multiple and contrasting problems.

I cheated on lover after a dirty flirty chat online

“I met a woman for sex after we’d talked intimately online bit it was a terrible mistake. I cannot help talking to girls about sex and porn. It makes me feel electric but afterwards I feel disgusting, especially as I have a regular girlfriend. I am 24 and my girlfriend is 22. Everything is great when we are together. One time it went too far and I ended up having sex with another girl. In the end I suggested we meet and she agreed. She was at least ten years older than me. She was trying to make it fun but I felt like a zombie.”

chats online

The reason you feel “disgusted” is because society and the media will not talk about sex in an open forum. secondly they have no idea how to understand motivations for sex and how healthy it can be. They simply do not understand it other than for procreation so they vilify others to feel dirty and ashamed. However, the shameful part is that you are not single and have literally cheated in every capacity. You may be remorseful but you have to address what you have done and cannot take this back. Certain relationships from parents can genetically lead down to children and their behaviours in later life. Not all, but a vast majority. There is nothing wrong with porn and sex but the lack of your girlfriend in your relationship is the issue here. If neither can make time for one another or discuss problems, you are going to be tempted to do this again, and probably will. Porn often needs an outlet. But when you are not single you cannot fully go out with another without consequence. Talk to your girlfriend. Maybe if you feel like confessing, do so. They hype of meeting and doing with a partner was more of an excitement and fantasy built in your mind of escapism from the woes with your girlfriend, hoping it would give you a different lease of life and thrill. As you state, it did not. You need to address the issues with your relationship and indeed your own level of commitment to them. We can all rob a bank tomorrow, but would we do it? Why not? The moral cheating can be hurtful to females as well as actually sex but you were caught up in the moment of this flirting.

I’m seeing office sexpot while my wife is pregnant

“I’m falling for a girl at work but my wife has just told me she’s pregnant. I feel ashamed of myself but I’m growing out of love with my wife. I’m 29 and she’s 27 and we’ve been married for three years. Since she told me I’ve hit the drink and drugs.”

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It is a shame you needed to hear the words “pregnant” to feel ashamed of adulterous behaviour. Your actions with an affair have proven that while you present a loving marriage and happy times with a child you are living a lie on being content with this lifestyle. Among this, your child will be brought into the world with a father who is concerned more with living a life of fun instead of responsibilities. Having a child is no novelty and requires constant attention. I doubt you will, but you should confess your behavior to your wife before your child is born and deal with this issue. Your child will soon be born, and it is better that that child is born with a clear conscience and can still have “two parents” who are separated but still see them regularly. End your office fling. She is just a plaything for you and is threatening everything in your life and she will later move on. The pair of you have no life together. There is no shame in being single and getting your head together. Concentrate on your responsibilities. You should not stay in a relationship because of guilt. This will only lead to more resentment and problems before you will eventually split up. You cannot continue to run away from your problems and will have to face up to them. Better sooner than later.

Unhappy with her Uni plans

“My girlfriend is going away to university next month but I don’t want her to go. I love her so much. She’s 19, I’m 24 and working. The university she wants to go to is hours away.I am her first sexual partner, though I have had several. I don’t want to lose her but I don’t want to hold her back either.”

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Either you are highly possessive or something else. It seems you have the insecurity that she will have a good time and go out after doing her studies. She is aiming to better herself however you insecurity from within feels she will meet lots of men and have sex. This is your assumption but perhaps this is something you have done in your time in relationships and makes you concerned. Long distance relationships work out sometimes but if there are fundamental problems as this, something you never thought would occur and is now a possibility, and you being her first, the smothering attitude may drive you apart. She is aiming to be independent in her life. Too much reliance or ‘checking up’ can drive her away. You are her first relationship and she is young. It seems that the pair of you have a limited time together and perhaps this is a wake up call you two are meant to be apart. Perhaps you should both remain friends? If you want to make it work you have to give her a chance and trust. Too heavily a reliance and explanation of what she’s doing will not keep her hanging around.

Do I dump fiancee for more romps with teen?

“I’ve been with my fiancee for five years and we’re planning a wedding – but I’ve fallen for another woman. I’m 28. I had met the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and things were working out well – until a new girl started at work. She was incredibly sexy and only 18. No way did I think she’d look at me. One day after work I went to my car, She was lounging on the bonnet and asked for a lift. She had her skirt hitched up so that I had a great view of her underwear – and there wasn’t much of it. Halfway home she said to stop the car. The moment I pulled up she was all over me. I didn’t know how to stop her and she gave me oral sex. The next day she asked if I would like a repeat journey home. I should have said no.  It has now become a regular thing two or three times a week. She is all I think about. I think I love this girl. “

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You are not ready for marriage. You clearly acknowledged this. You are dating a teen based on some kind of lads fantasy and then have a story down the pub to your mates to hear approval of “get in son” and feel you’ve achieved some fun in your life. But this displays you have not matured as you may wish to and you are asking for advice on clarification to continue your romps. You cannot have your cake and eat it. You want someone to make the choice for you and it is solely yours. You are aware of what you are doing and cannot be excused. She is barely 18 and you enjoy the “barely legal” aspect of fantasy. This will soon disappear and you will realise this fling was a blip and she will move on. Their is no future here, but you do not have one with your wife to be.Plus you have cheated on her multiple times which is deplorable and you should “man up” and be honest and end this relationship. You should end your teen fantasy as well. There will only be more problems coming from this and even if she was a flirty temptress, you are in control of your actions as a grow near 30 year old man. You must face up to your responsibilities. You are not 18 anymore and cannot live out any ‘lost youth.’

My boyfriend prefers coke to me

“I love my boyfriend dearly but I don’t think he cares enough for me. I’m 25 and female and he’s 23. He often takes substances, legally, in his own private places but it is putting a strain on our relationship. It seems he loves them more than me. Everytime he takes them he loses his erection and makes our sex life non-existent. There seems to be no time for us as a couple.”

coke

It is true that substances can affect a man’s performance sexually. However, what you also explain is that they are beginning to dominate your relationship. If you think this is salvageable, then talk to them and express you want more time together and that sometimes the drugs can make you feel unloved. If he doesn’t appreciate this then you may have to answer that question you don’t wish to face. You could perhaps seek some advice from a drug charity, however, this may not be appreciated by your partner. If so, then, unfortunately you must make a decision to remain second-best and form a content lifestyle around this or seek other opportunities. Having affairs would not be advisable.

Stepdad hit on me

“I sent my stepdad a text meant for my boyfriend with lots of kisses, and now he has got the wrong idea. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 23. My sister told me a while ago that she thinks my stepdad likes me because she has caught him looking at me a certain way.”

phone text

You made a mistake here granted, but that gives him no right to make a move. This clearly identifies that he is unloyal to your mother and hitting on her children proves he has no cares and wants whatever sex he can get. Tell your sister immediately and ask if she will support and go with you when you tell your mother. You should inform her. If she does not wish to believe her children over her lover then you will have to consider calling the police or charities for your safety as well as possibly finding another place to live. Also tell him that it is unacceptable to behave in such a way, even if you did send a text by mistake. When these problems happen, it is highly likely to happen again, at another time because you have now given him some power in knowing he can touch you without any repercussions in his mind. He can then use the texts against you as an excuse to blame you for giving the wrong idea, should your mother wish to maintain a marriage.

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Vilifying sex leads to shame and abuse

Vilifying sex leads to shame and abuse.

With recent issues on sexual identity and problems stemming from it now ,in the past and certainly the future, why is sex such a taboo subject for society?

Perhaps it is because newspapers like the Daily Mail and other Conservative politicians have stigmatised the ‘idea’ or ‘image’ of sex to be only a reason for procreation. Many of them feel we are only here on this Earth to procreate, and class sex as a boring, missionary act to spawn a child.

Anyone not engaging in ‘traditional values’ is then vilified and classed as dirty, shameful or disgusting for unlocking their sexual identity and giving into their natural desires.

The more people attempt to block it, the more people will end up doing it and when they do they will do it in the wrong choices through lack of information or communication in an open forum.

With no one knowing how to tackle sex and teaching it minimally in schools with a conservative approach causes ripples for a one way standard which doesn’t represent reality causing others to head out into the big wide world and make choices that could be unhealthily with sexual infections, or giving away precious sex, such as virginity to anyone they see or like for two minutes as a charmer.

Preparing people for sex is key and if they vilification of people having sex from those who are not engaging and out of touch with reality was more efficiently presented, then many would have responsible sex and there would be less ‘dirty’ tags surrounding it meaning less abuse, shame and “slut-shaming” when sex happens. Sex is a precious and tender time which should, and is usually respected between two consenting parties. It should not be classed as dirty in anyway when it is a natural order. Adopting this stance would “protect the children” more from suicide, bullying and low self esteem.

17 year old public sex act blames the internet

A 17 year old schoolgirl was caught giving oral sex to a reveler at an Eminem concert in Ireland. During this photos were taken of the explicit act and posted online where the girl was “distraught” to have gone viral. They were posted on Facebook, Twitter and filmed up to YouTube. All accounts were soon deactivated. She was said to be seen giving oral sex to TWO men and given a sex act on herself by another guy. All were separate intervals.

The police are said to be investigating and are attempting to class this as child porn for filming and photographing the images as she is under 18, technically.

This choice has caused numerous newspapers to heighten the drama for their own political agenda and blame the internet for piling on abuse and using the recent two deaths in the media shamefully to the online attack in order to protect David Cameron’s ideology in attacking the online space.

So allow me to explain the situation.

You cannot blame the online world for this female doing this deed when SHE did an act in a public open space around numerous people in the middle of them. She must take responsibility for her reckless actions and offensive behavior in public.

These images are not child porn and at 16 years of age she is technically an adult and should be responsible for her own choices. She engaged in sex, which was her choice and chose to do so in front of many in a wide public open space.

Usually if in a public place, this can be subject to people being arrested for indecency and even given ASBO’s (Anti Social Behaviour Order) in extreme cases.

Image

The bottom line is this is her responsibility and her shame she must live with and has nothing to do with the online world, so think about things beforehand. The Conservative governments advice is to shut down and isolate numerous sites that are presenting journalism because places like the Daily Mail newspaper is running scared of losing its print format to the online world, of which newspapers will be a fuller part of in ten years or less. Moving in the police on a technicality to support a personal ideology is the biggest disgrace to this country in general, and the law cannot be cheery picked as and when any politician sees fit when the fault lies with the female and gent receiving.

One source from the Independent said: “She has recently spoken with police, along with her parents, but has not filed a formal complaint. It’s unclear what steps will be taken next: in Ireland, 17 is the age of consent but as VICE notes, sharing pornographic images of anyone under 18 is child porn (so even if she participated in them consensually, anyone who shared the pics performed an illegal act).”

The law is above choosing to protect indecent behaviour and yet any adult doing so is reprimanded. These privileges are what encourage and are “corroding childhood” allowing young members of society to willingly misbehave and blame others for their crimes. The law on this should be re-looked at and up for review as this penalises others, as intended when they are not in any way shape or form involved with child pornography. The country continues to be broken, as a result, from crime fiddling laws.

The Independent also added more than 50 arrests were made at the concert.

Also, then, that means the Daily Mail and all other media that shared the image in its main stories should now be charged as they have shared “child porn” or are newspapers allowed to get away with this, yet a freelance journalist like oneself would be cuffed and collared for doing my job? Talk about favouritism and lawful vilification in society.

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The Independent

Dear Deandre #4

Girls want Playas

“Girls I date only seem to want a**holes. I treat them well, so why can’t I find someone who wants me to treat them right?”

flirt

For some people it is the thrill of the chase. For others they want someone they feel is tough to protect them and all that. Women are told, and feel that they are as week as sociological texts suggest. Going off on tangents and unable to deal with issues a manly way is difficult for them to deal with. Being a man isn’t about punching someone out and you understand this. There are many women who want a stable, supportive and caring gentleman above all else, it is just difficult to find them today, and vice versa. Don’t give up, continue to maintain your dignity and remain a gent. Your morals with override asshole’s anyday, it just takes time. The real secret to a woman’s heart, and what every relationship craves no matter how awkward is a partnership of trust, dignity and faith.

Ex Pal made me reveal cheating

“I had a stupid one night stand with a bloke in a club four years ago who turned out to be my best friends boyfriend. It didn’t mean anything. My friend split up with this guy anyway. I’m 30 and gay and my boyfriend is 29.”

cheating

it is a shame that you felt you could not tell your boyfriend yourself and your friend had the moral approach instead of you. Despite your excuse of years ago, you had still kept that secret and would have if your friend didn’t place pressure onto you. You should have been honest and should do so in the future with any partner. Your friend should not have been too full on, but felt they were doing the right thing. Again, you should have avoided this yourself and explained it earlier. Now you have revealed everything you can tell your pal that your fella knows and they can leave you alone if you wish for this. They have no attachment left to you anymore. If your partner has accepted and prepared to move on with or without you, and if your friend continues involvement after you have explained the situation to him, they cannot feasibly have claim to be involved whatsoever. You can understand their hurt as you were cheating on your friend too. Perhaps you can have a heart to heart with him if you truly are sorry. If you meet up go for a coffee or something in a public place. If you value your five year relationship, you have a lot of ground to (re) cover in making it up to him.

Family Affair

“I think my boyfriend is having sex with his mum but he just says i am being silly. I am 16 and he is 20. We have been together for six months. His mum split up with his dad a year ago. He went to have a shower, when I asked him if he’d finished I heard his mums voice. She was naked in the shower. I heard his mum go into the room around midnight and she was there for over an hour. I could hear noises like sex going on. She said she was tucking him in.”

cuddle

Technically the law does state incest is illegal and though certain people find it deplorable, this is on the rise in many households around Britain. There can be many reasons for this but a separation and close comforting bond as strong as theirs can tie them together. If you wish to report this you are able to do so but it will be traced back to you as their is no one else who could feasibly have done so. If you do, you will have to shoulder the responsibility. Your response is clear that you wish to leave this relationship. If you report hoping to remove the mother and get the guy then that is a fairy-tale without a happy ending. You will have removed his mother from his life and there will be no forgiveness for that. Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend and explain what he is doing is wrong and that he should stop this or perhaps ask for some advice on how to stop his mother. The action is consensual and they are both adults, but it is difficult for a young boy growing sexually to refuse sexual activity, nor from his mother who has a position of power and authority in their household.

Wasting salary on Porn

“I spend my money on Porn. I work hard and I am a 23 year old guy  and when I get home I can’t help but look at porn. I spend more on chat lines and the girls don’t really please me.”

money burn

This is a common phase with people growing up. These are called hormonal impulses. Many watch porn and can have healthy lives alongside it. You should try to stop spending on the chat lines as you are not really getting any gratification as you express. You can watch porn and keep boundaries with it, but phonelines can be addictive, however this does not make you a sex addict. Testosterone adds these feelings naturally to us as men and you are in no way abnormal. You are simply single and free of commitments. Take some time to deal with your daily lifestyle and when your urges arrive to have a time for sexual pleasure, make time for yourself but try to reduce the overtime so that it doesn’t fully dominate your every decisions. Being alone, a man with testosterone and in a broken society means it is safer to engage in these actions in your household and is also regarded as health by sex health professionals. because you have not had a partner, the porn is the next available thing when you have urges. This is healthy and shouldn’t be demonised. Not everyone has the ability to go outside for financial or even social reasons. Your shyness is a problem and lack of friends has cut you off but you should try interacting with others more, or perhaps visit a self help section and find a book on overcoming shyness in a library or bookstore. It may seem drastic but this guidance could help you and there is no shame with finding your drive in life alongside a healthy sex drive. Sex is a natural order.

Groping friend a nightmare

“One of my boyfriends pals keeps touching me and saying extremely inappropriate things. I am 21,  female and have been with my guy for six months. He always made it obvious that he likes me.”

touching

If it is making you feel uncomfortable then this is extremely inappropriate. You need to tell them to stop doing that as hard as it may be for you. If this fails you may need to report this behaviour before it has a chance to escalate. You must be clear that you do not condone these actions and that you do not like this and you are not a free for all grab bag unless you give intentions, of which you suggest you are not , but if you have then you should outline it isn’t acceptable any longer and makes you feel awkward. This pal also has no regard for his friendship with his pal and you should inform your boyfriend with direction to leave it alone and part ways from this guy if boundaries cannot be kept. Your body is yours and yours alone and no one has the right to take advantage of this.

Pals don’t get why I’m not up for sex

“Since I was very young, I have known that I am asexual. I have never had the urge to have sex. I don’t desire it and can happily live without it. It kind of repulses me. I am a woman of 25 and people say I am pretty. I get plenty of male attention and don’t want it.”

no sex

Some of us do not feel the rampant urge to fornicate every split second. However this does not mean we do not have a sex drive. It could be mild stress or anxiety that halts your drive into engaging with real encounters and no desire for instant attractions. You clearly value a longer, and more stable communication with passion and time to know someone and more of a dater than anything else. Look for some dates if you wish but not jumping onto the charge of sex every second is commendable and tasteful. Don’t let others make you feel any less desirable but also don’t fall into a possible trap of despising those who have other sexual needs. It is good that sex does not define you as a newer, younger generation are enarmoured by. Attitudes to sex have changed because advertising and parenting have toned down stability and allowed it to progress for lack of discussing the issues in an open forum. You may enjoy political texts as well as going outdoors to witness nature in a fuller content context.

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